adBlockCheck

Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

It’s Sluglike, Is What Sources Are Trying To Say

Reports indicate that job growth has been very sluggish, or reminiscent of a slug, you could say. Although not literally, of course.
Reports indicate that job growth has been very sluggish, or reminiscent of a slug, you could say. Although not literally, of course.

WASHINGTON—Despite recent hopes that the lifeless U.S. employment climate may at last be turning a corner, a new report issued Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that nationwide job growth remains sluggish, or rather, akin to a slug in its behavior.

It’s sluglike, is what sources are trying to say. Job growth remains sluglike.

With employers adding a mere 162,000 jobs in July, the Department of Labor revealed that the unemployment rate edged down to 7.4 percent last month, a disappointing indicator for the long-term prospects of growth, which, again, at this point could reasonably be described as resembling, in a figurative sense, a slug. That is to say that when appraising the current state of the job market, comparing it to a slug would be a logical thing to do and would perhaps make what is a complex economic issue a little more palatable.

And to clarify, sources emphasized that the current employment climate isn’t being described as sluggish because it looks like a slug. That reportedly wouldn’t make any sense. No, the slug term is being evoked due to the performance of the job market, which in spite of moderate gains in the manufacturing sector is currently, you know, slow.

Just like a slug, sources again confirmed.

Look, this reportedly still may not be totally clear. But how about this: If you think of job growth as an animal—and you don’t necessarily have to do that, but sources confirmed it can be a useful way of explaining things—it makes sense to choose an animal based on its speed, as that’s how the overall economy itself is usually assessed.

Thus, if unemployment were down, and businesses were constantly adding to their workforce, it would reportedly make sense to compare job growth to a cheetah, as cheetahs are very fast. But if job growth was stagnant—as recent economic reports in fact indicate—you would compare it to a more lethargically paced animal, like, say, a turtle, or a snail, or, that’s right, a slug.

Sluggish. Sluglike. Sluggy. These are all words sources would use in this instance, although perhaps not sluggy, as that’s not really a word people use.

Of course, sources could always just say that domestic job growth is “slow-moving,” as that would also be accurate, but reports indicate that that’s a little prosaic, and, especially where journalism is concerned, it’s helpful to use more colorful language when describing these dry economic topics. You know, try to breathe a little life into it.

Although, hold on, it just occurred to sources that another good way of describing the state of the job market would be to use boats. So if job growth were up, you’d compare it to a really fast speedboat. And then when job growth was down, you’d say it was like some kind of slower boat. Like some kind of tugboat (slugboat?) or something.

Actually, scrap that. Sources confirm that they had it right the first time when they described job growth as sluggish, or sluglike. Payroll growth is diminishing, long-term unemployment is up, and an alarming number of out-of-work individuals are no longer actively looking for full-time positions—and economic analysts would agree without a shadow of a doubt that job growth is in fact sluggish.

At press time, the whole thing is like a big slug; that’s the takeaway here.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close