Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 31

Global Warming Making People More Violent

A study published in the journal Science found that extremely hot and dry weather resulted in greater levels of conflict, and posited that for every degree Fahrenheit increase in average temperature, violent crime in the U.S.

Reading Rainbow Trout

PBS 10 a.m. EDT/9 a.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Texas Running Out Of Execution Drug

A spokesman for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice confirmed that the state, which has the nation’s highest rate of executions, is running low on the lethal injection drug pentobarbital and would exhaust its supply in September.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

It’s Sluglike, Is What Sources Are Trying To Say

Reports indicate that job growth has been very sluggish, or reminiscent of a slug, you could say. Although not literally, of course.
Reports indicate that job growth has been very sluggish, or reminiscent of a slug, you could say. Although not literally, of course.

WASHINGTON—Despite recent hopes that the lifeless U.S. employment climate may at last be turning a corner, a new report issued Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that nationwide job growth remains sluggish, or rather, akin to a slug in its behavior.

It’s sluglike, is what sources are trying to say. Job growth remains sluglike.

With employers adding a mere 162,000 jobs in July, the Department of Labor revealed that the unemployment rate edged down to 7.4 percent last month, a disappointing indicator for the long-term prospects of growth, which, again, at this point could reasonably be described as resembling, in a figurative sense, a slug. That is to say that when appraising the current state of the job market, comparing it to a slug would be a logical thing to do and would perhaps make what is a complex economic issue a little more palatable.

And to clarify, sources emphasized that the current employment climate isn’t being described as sluggish because it looks like a slug. That reportedly wouldn’t make any sense. No, the slug term is being evoked due to the performance of the job market, which in spite of moderate gains in the manufacturing sector is currently, you know, slow.

Just like a slug, sources again confirmed.

Look, this reportedly still may not be totally clear. But how about this: If you think of job growth as an animal—and you don’t necessarily have to do that, but sources confirmed it can be a useful way of explaining things—it makes sense to choose an animal based on its speed, as that’s how the overall economy itself is usually assessed.

Thus, if unemployment were down, and businesses were constantly adding to their workforce, it would reportedly make sense to compare job growth to a cheetah, as cheetahs are very fast. But if job growth was stagnant—as recent economic reports in fact indicate—you would compare it to a more lethargically paced animal, like, say, a turtle, or a snail, or, that’s right, a slug.

Sluggish. Sluglike. Sluggy. These are all words sources would use in this instance, although perhaps not sluggy, as that’s not really a word people use.

Of course, sources could always just say that domestic job growth is “slow-moving,” as that would also be accurate, but reports indicate that that’s a little prosaic, and, especially where journalism is concerned, it’s helpful to use more colorful language when describing these dry economic topics. You know, try to breathe a little life into it.

Although, hold on, it just occurred to sources that another good way of describing the state of the job market would be to use boats. So if job growth were up, you’d compare it to a really fast speedboat. And then when job growth was down, you’d say it was like some kind of slower boat. Like some kind of tugboat (slugboat?) or something.

Actually, scrap that. Sources confirm that they had it right the first time when they described job growth as sluggish, or sluglike. Payroll growth is diminishing, long-term unemployment is up, and an alarming number of out-of-work individuals are no longer actively looking for full-time positions—and economic analysts would agree without a shadow of a doubt that job growth is in fact sluggish.

At press time, the whole thing is like a big slug; that’s the takeaway here.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More