Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

It’s Sluglike, Is What Sources Are Trying To Say

Reports indicate that job growth has been very sluggish, or reminiscent of a slug, you could say. Although not literally, of course.
Reports indicate that job growth has been very sluggish, or reminiscent of a slug, you could say. Although not literally, of course.

WASHINGTON—Despite recent hopes that the lifeless U.S. employment climate may at last be turning a corner, a new report issued Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that nationwide job growth remains sluggish, or rather, akin to a slug in its behavior.

It’s sluglike, is what sources are trying to say. Job growth remains sluglike.

With employers adding a mere 162,000 jobs in July, the Department of Labor revealed that the unemployment rate edged down to 7.4 percent last month, a disappointing indicator for the long-term prospects of growth, which, again, at this point could reasonably be described as resembling, in a figurative sense, a slug. That is to say that when appraising the current state of the job market, comparing it to a slug would be a logical thing to do and would perhaps make what is a complex economic issue a little more palatable.

And to clarify, sources emphasized that the current employment climate isn’t being described as sluggish because it looks like a slug. That reportedly wouldn’t make any sense. No, the slug term is being evoked due to the performance of the job market, which in spite of moderate gains in the manufacturing sector is currently, you know, slow.

Just like a slug, sources again confirmed.

Look, this reportedly still may not be totally clear. But how about this: If you think of job growth as an animal—and you don’t necessarily have to do that, but sources confirmed it can be a useful way of explaining things—it makes sense to choose an animal based on its speed, as that’s how the overall economy itself is usually assessed.

Thus, if unemployment were down, and businesses were constantly adding to their workforce, it would reportedly make sense to compare job growth to a cheetah, as cheetahs are very fast. But if job growth was stagnant—as recent economic reports in fact indicate—you would compare it to a more lethargically paced animal, like, say, a turtle, or a snail, or, that’s right, a slug.

Sluggish. Sluglike. Sluggy. These are all words sources would use in this instance, although perhaps not sluggy, as that’s not really a word people use.

Of course, sources could always just say that domestic job growth is “slow-moving,” as that would also be accurate, but reports indicate that that’s a little prosaic, and, especially where journalism is concerned, it’s helpful to use more colorful language when describing these dry economic topics. You know, try to breathe a little life into it.

Although, hold on, it just occurred to sources that another good way of describing the state of the job market would be to use boats. So if job growth were up, you’d compare it to a really fast speedboat. And then when job growth was down, you’d say it was like some kind of slower boat. Like some kind of tugboat (slugboat?) or something.

Actually, scrap that. Sources confirm that they had it right the first time when they described job growth as sluggish, or sluglike. Payroll growth is diminishing, long-term unemployment is up, and an alarming number of out-of-work individuals are no longer actively looking for full-time positions—and economic analysts would agree without a shadow of a doubt that job growth is in fact sluggish.

At press time, the whole thing is like a big slug; that’s the takeaway here.