Job-Hunting Tips

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Vol 37 Issue 36

Area Grasshopper Kind Of A Thorax Man Himself

LARGE FIELD EAST OF WATER—Watching a shapely female grasshopper pass by, area grasshopper 44-3541-M told a fellow male Monday that he is "a definite thorax man." "Don't get me wrong, I love a good abdomen," 44-3541-M said. "But a nice, shiny mesothorax? Right where the wings connect? Oh, man, you can't beat that." 44-3541-M added that he'd let 97-94732-F, an attractive female praying mantis from a nearby elm tree, devour his head anytime.

Screaming Japanese Schoolgirls Overturn Greenspan's Bus

TOKYO—Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan described himself as "shaken but all right" Monday following an incident in which several thousand excited young Japanese fans mobbed and tipped over his tour bus after a speech at the Tokyo Dome. "Mr. Greenspan is at the height of his popularity in Japan right now," said Martine Engers, a publicist for the chairman, who is currently in the midst of a 41-city world tour. "And I guess we simply weren't prepared for this level of fan hysteria." Before military police restored order, thousands of frantically speculating youths drove the Nikkei average past 16,000.

Dildo Manufacturers Association: Nation Must Return To Normalcy, Purchase Dildos

CINCINNATI—With sales flagging since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, the Dildo Manufacturers Association made an appeal to Americans' sense of patriotism Monday, urging citizens to help the U.S. economy and the nation's dildo industry by purchasing the sex toys. "Like so many industries, we have been hit hard by recent events," DMA spokesman Richard Grantham said. "But the best way we can show Osama bin Laden our resolve is for all of us to get back out there and buy dildos like we did before all of this happened." Grantham said that on Oct. 20, a 14-inch, red-white-and-blue "Star Spangled Rammer" dildo will go on sale at sex shops across the nation, with proceeds benefiting relief efforts.

Returning To Abnormal

When I began writing this column seven years ago, I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I'd have to address anything like the events of Sept. 11, 2001. What happened is unimaginable and unthinkable. We're all going through a really hard time right now, and I'm sure each one of us has considered our future. Will times get even harder? What is my place in all of this? How much control over our lives do we really have? All of these are important questions.
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Job-Hunting Tips

Today's job market is more competitive than ever. Here are some tips to help give you the edge:

  • Make sure your résumé is free of spelling and grammatical errors, grease stains, crumbs, blood splatters, and bits of hair and gristle.
  • Be aggressive: Don't be afraid to call a potential employer every few hours and say, "Is there an opening yet? How 'bout now? How 'bout now? Now?"
  • When waiting for a job interview and a fellow applicant is there, strike up a conversation. Then, when it's your turn to be interviewed, stand up and say, "See ya, sicko." Explain to the interviewer that he invited you to a goat-sex orgy.
  • If you find the "Notable Achievements" section of your résumé lacking, consider listing the longest rat-tail you've ever grown.
  • Avoid borrowing liberally from the plots of popular Tom Clancy and John LeCarré novels when describing previous job experiences.
  • If you attended Harvard, Yale, or another prestigious Ivy League institution, don't bother noting this on your résumé. Or even creating a résumé at all. Just have one of the other assholes from your school get you a job.
  • Be sure to pronounce résumé "REH-zoo-may," which means "a list of one's accomplishments and qualifications," and not like the word "resume," which means "to unpause Resident Evil 3."
  • After providing a contact number for your "former employer at Merrill Lynch," be sure to change your answering machine to say, "Hi, this is Merrill Lynch, we're not in right now."
  • If, during an interview, you sense that they have detected one or more of the falsehoods in your résumé, throw a smoke bomb on the floor and escape in the ensuing confusion.
  • When a job application asks you to list "Reason You Left Previous Job," make it clear you were not at fault. Write, "Boss was total Nazi."
  • Have a long history of experience in the field you're applying for and glowing recommendations. Either that, or print your résumé on really nice, heavyweight ivory paper.
  • Being state archery champion is impressive, indeed. But Hardee's is more interested in knowing if you're intelligent enough to avoid deep-frying your hands.
  • Post your résumé online. This will give it an air of authority and legitimacy that only the Internet can confer.
  • When writing a cover letter to a prospective employer, stress that, although you used to admire their company, they totally suck now, but that if they hire you, you can help make them great again. That will definitely work.
  • Don't be afraid to list "Cook County Correctional Facility" on your résumé. They could think maybe you worked there or something.

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