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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Job-Hunting Tips

Today's job market is more competitive than ever. Here are some tips to help give you the edge:

  • Make sure your résumé is free of spelling and grammatical errors, grease stains, crumbs, blood splatters, and bits of hair and gristle.
  • Be aggressive: Don't be afraid to call a potential employer every few hours and say, "Is there an opening yet? How 'bout now? How 'bout now? Now?"
  • When waiting for a job interview and a fellow applicant is there, strike up a conversation. Then, when it's your turn to be interviewed, stand up and say, "See ya, sicko." Explain to the interviewer that he invited you to a goat-sex orgy.
  • If you find the "Notable Achievements" section of your résumé lacking, consider listing the longest rat-tail you've ever grown.
  • Avoid borrowing liberally from the plots of popular Tom Clancy and John LeCarré novels when describing previous job experiences.
  • If you attended Harvard, Yale, or another prestigious Ivy League institution, don't bother noting this on your résumé. Or even creating a résumé at all. Just have one of the other assholes from your school get you a job.
  • Be sure to pronounce résumé "REH-zoo-may," which means "a list of one's accomplishments and qualifications," and not like the word "resume," which means "to unpause Resident Evil 3."
  • After providing a contact number for your "former employer at Merrill Lynch," be sure to change your answering machine to say, "Hi, this is Merrill Lynch, we're not in right now."
  • If, during an interview, you sense that they have detected one or more of the falsehoods in your résumé, throw a smoke bomb on the floor and escape in the ensuing confusion.
  • When a job application asks you to list "Reason You Left Previous Job," make it clear you were not at fault. Write, "Boss was total Nazi."
  • Have a long history of experience in the field you're applying for and glowing recommendations. Either that, or print your résumé on really nice, heavyweight ivory paper.
  • Being state archery champion is impressive, indeed. But Hardee's is more interested in knowing if you're intelligent enough to avoid deep-frying your hands.
  • Post your résumé online. This will give it an air of authority and legitimacy that only the Internet can confer.
  • When writing a cover letter to a prospective employer, stress that, although you used to admire their company, they totally suck now, but that if they hire you, you can help make them great again. That will definitely work.
  • Don't be afraid to list "Cook County Correctional Facility" on your résumé. They could think maybe you worked there or something.

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