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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Job Interview Tips

When you're job-hunting, getting called for an interview is only half the battle. Here are some strategies that can make you stand out during a meeting with a potential employer:

  • An interview is a negotiation, so always reject the first job offer.
  • It is essential to maintain solid eye contact all the way through to the end of your interview, even as you slowly backpedal from the table and feel behind you for the way out of the office.
  • Your interviewers will invariably ask you what your biggest strengths and weaknesses are. And although it's both an impressive skill and a pernicious vice, it's best to refrain from saying "embezzling" for either answer.
  • If asked to explain why you were let go from your last position, carefully explain it’s none of their fucking business.
  • Don't lapse into a Ted Knight voice when asked about your salary requirements.
  • Dramatically removing your wedding ring and slamming it into the trash demonstrates that no other vow shall come between you and your allegiance to the firm.
  • Chances are they’re looking for an office "bad boy" or "bad girl." Show up late, knock everything off your interviewer's desk, and say you need a dollar for the candy machine in the lobby.
  • A post-interview thank-you letter can make or break your candidacy, so make sure your stationery is branded with the Looney Tunes character that best represents your personality.

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