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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Job Placement Service Helps Students Who Fail Out Of Dad’s Alma Mater Find Work At Dad’s Company

BOSTON—Touting its 100 percent success rate, administrators at job placement service Scion Employment Solutions explained to reporters Tuesday that they help students who fail out of their dad’s alma mater find work at their dad’s company. “We have an impeccable track record of assisting students who flunk out of the college their father attended with finding gainful employment in the firm where he now works,” said managing director Sean Claymore, explaining that his agency conducts extensive research across the organization where their client’s father is in upper management and finds a well-compensated junior executive position ideal for someone who quit his father’s alma mater after three semesters. “The success stories are remarkable. Just recently, we took a third-generation Harvard student who failed out before even choosing a major and, within a week, staffed him with a six-figure salary at the banking firm where his dad is a vice president—it turned out that a handful of failed or never completed liberal arts courses was exactly what the company was looking for on a résumé.” Claymore added that every one of their previously assigned clients remain employed in good standing at their dad’s business, as workers who have absolutely no idea what they’re doing are widely considered irreplaceable.

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