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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Joba Chamberlain Gets Permission To Stay Up For Whole Yankees-Angels Game

ANAHEIM, CA—Yankees management announced at a postgame press conference Monday that reliever Joba Chamberlain had permission to stay up past his normal 9 p.m. bedtime and would be allowed to attend Game 4 of the ALCS in its entirety. "Young pitchers aren't supposed to stay up late, but he earned it with his recent commitment to improving in the bullpen, plus he asked very nicely," said Yankees GM Brian Cashman, adding that Chamberlain would not, under any circumstance, be allowed to stay up for extra innings. "He needs to understand, though, that this is a special occasion because it's the postseason. He still has to put on his pajamas after the fifth inning. And no candy or soda after 8." Cashman added that, despite rumors, Yankees reliever Phil Hughes would not be allowed to sleep over at Chamberlain's home Thursday as it is a game night.

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