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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Joba Chamberlain Holds Stuffed-Animals-Only Meeting

NEW YORK—Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain reportedly led a stuffed-animals-only meeting on the floor of the team’s clubhouse Thursday, addressing confidants Wugsy the Bear, Cuddly Monkey, Fluff Fluff the Kitty, and Tiny Horsey. “Nobody else gets to come because they’re too mean and won’t let me be a starting pitcher, and they don’t get a special treat,” said Chamberlain, pretending to eat “strawberry pie sandwiches,” which he also fed to each of the stuffed animals. “You guys all want me in the starting rotation, right? Yes, Tiny Horsey, I am the best thrower on the Yankees. Thank you for saying that. We don’t need those other jerks. We can start our own Yankees right here.” According to sources, the 45-minute stuffed-animals-only meeting adjourned when Yankees manager Joe Girardi announced that it was time for Chamberlain’s bath.

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