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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Joe Dumars Resigns To Spend More Time Rebuilding Family

DETROIT—Following several years of lackluster performance and unmet expectations under his own roof, Detroit Pistons president of basketball operations Joe Dumars announced this week that he will be stepping down in order to spend more time rebuilding his family from the ground up. “While I have a lot of good memories with these people, I think the time has come for me to leave basketball so that I can focus on taking my family to the next level,” Dumars told reporters at a press conference, noting that the time had come to “shake up” his household, beginning with retooling his children’s roles and making an upgrade in the wife position. “Obviously, there are a lot of very talented units out there who are increasingly shedding their older members in favor of younger talent, which means that we need to get some new blood in here if we want to stay competitive. But once that happens, there’s no telling what these guys can do.” Though Dumars said that he holds fond memories of his time in the Motor City, the 50-year-old was not ruling out giving his newly revamped kin a fresh start in Seattle, a city he claimed was about due for a winning family.

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