Joe Dumars Resigns To Spend More Time Rebuilding Family

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 15

Xylophonist Shredding It

Everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is attempting to elude pursuers, newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons, and a xylophonist is shredding it.

Alabama Quietly Strikes Bo Bice Day From State Calendar

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conceding that there was no longer a need to formally acknowledge the accomplishments of American Idol fourth season runner-up and Alabama native Bo Bice, state officials Friday quietly moved to strike Bo Bice Day from the offi...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Comedy

Joe Dumars Resigns To Spend More Time Rebuilding Family

DETROIT—Following several years of lackluster performance and unmet expectations under his own roof, Detroit Pistons president of basketball operations Joe Dumars announced this week that he will be stepping down in order to spend more time rebuilding his family from the ground up. “While I have a lot of good memories with these people, I think the time has come for me to leave basketball so that I can focus on taking my family to the next level,” Dumars told reporters at a press conference, noting that the time had come to “shake up” his household, beginning with retooling his children’s roles and making an upgrade in the wife position. “Obviously, there are a lot of very talented units out there who are increasingly shedding their older members in favor of younger talent, which means that we need to get some new blood in here if we want to stay competitive. But once that happens, there’s no telling what these guys can do.” Though Dumars said that he holds fond memories of his time in the Motor City, the 50-year-old was not ruling out giving his newly revamped kin a fresh start in Seattle, a city he claimed was about due for a winning family.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More