adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Joe Dumars Resigns To Spend More Time Rebuilding Family

DETROIT—Following several years of lackluster performance and unmet expectations under his own roof, Detroit Pistons president of basketball operations Joe Dumars announced this week that he will be stepping down in order to spend more time rebuilding his family from the ground up. “While I have a lot of good memories with these people, I think the time has come for me to leave basketball so that I can focus on taking my family to the next level,” Dumars told reporters at a press conference, noting that the time had come to “shake up” his household, beginning with retooling his children’s roles and making an upgrade in the wife position. “Obviously, there are a lot of very talented units out there who are increasingly shedding their older members in favor of younger talent, which means that we need to get some new blood in here if we want to stay competitive. But once that happens, there’s no telling what these guys can do.” Though Dumars said that he holds fond memories of his time in the Motor City, the 50-year-old was not ruling out giving his newly revamped kin a fresh start in Seattle, a city he claimed was about due for a winning family.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close