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Joe Flacco

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Joe Flacco

Ravens Quarterback

Strength: Teammates; Complete lack of control of arm strength and accuracy make conditions for lucky throws perfect; Does pretty hilarious impression of a quarterback

Weakness: Tends to trick self with fake handoffs; Compulsive need to touch football on every offensive play drives teammates crazy

Awareness: Highly accurate at pointing out the blitzing defender who will sack him

Athletic Ability: Elusiveness to successfully evade praise, respect, or adoration

Skill: Amazing at pulling incredibly lucky touchdowns out of his ass

Favorite Word To Shout Pre-Snap: Rover

Toughness: Willing to play through excruciating pain of a deeply bruised ego

NEXT: Anquan Boldin

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