Joe Flacco Already Preparing Apology To Ray Lewis For Disappointing End To Career

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Vol 49 Issue 02

Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season

MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn h...

I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer

NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the country’s Eastern Seaboard, had begun treatment for stage III highway cancer, an advan...

Noogies Around The World

National Geographic 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST It turns out that some countries don’t even call them noogies; they call them something else in their own language.

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food.

Packers vs. Niners

The Packers battle the 49ers in the NFC divisional playoff game for a rematch of every single time these two teams have met.

Denzel Washington

Even though he probably won’t win Best Actor, Denzel Washington is planning to attend the Oscars all the same.
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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Innovation

Joe Flacco Already Preparing Apology To Ray Lewis For Disappointing End To Career

BALTIMORE—In preparation for the highly anticipated AFC playoff game with the Denver Broncos, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco announced Thursday that he is already working on an apology that will express heartfelt regret for the ignoble ending to retiring linebacker Ray Lewis’s career. “I’ve been plugging away on a couple of drafts this week, but I definitely want to focus on what a great teammate Ray has been and how bad I feel that he’s going out like this,” said Flacco, adding that Lewis “deserves better” than to force and recover a critical fourth-quarter Denver fumble only to watch helplessly from the sidelines as Flacco throws a pick-six interception on the following play, bringing the future Hall of Famer’s 17-year NFL career to a discouraging close. “Once I’ve got it all worked out, I’m thinking I’ll apologize before kickoff, because he definitely won’t want to hear from me after all those muffed snaps.” According to team sources, Flacco’s apology to Lewis is just one of many being contemplated by the quarterback, who is reportedly working on separate offerings of remorse to teammates, coaches, and Ravens ownership for Saturday’s loss, as well as to the city of Baltimore for the six-year contract extension he will receive this offseason.

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