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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Joe Flacco Already Preparing Apology To Ray Lewis For Disappointing End To Career

BALTIMORE—In preparation for the highly anticipated AFC playoff game with the Denver Broncos, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco announced Thursday that he is already working on an apology that will express heartfelt regret for the ignoble ending to retiring linebacker Ray Lewis’s career. “I’ve been plugging away on a couple of drafts this week, but I definitely want to focus on what a great teammate Ray has been and how bad I feel that he’s going out like this,” said Flacco, adding that Lewis “deserves better” than to force and recover a critical fourth-quarter Denver fumble only to watch helplessly from the sidelines as Flacco throws a pick-six interception on the following play, bringing the future Hall of Famer’s 17-year NFL career to a discouraging close. “Once I’ve got it all worked out, I’m thinking I’ll apologize before kickoff, because he definitely won’t want to hear from me after all those muffed snaps.” According to team sources, Flacco’s apology to Lewis is just one of many being contemplated by the quarterback, who is reportedly working on separate offerings of remorse to teammates, coaches, and Ravens ownership for Saturday’s loss, as well as to the city of Baltimore for the six-year contract extension he will receive this offseason.

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