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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Joe Flacco Excited To Work Under Man Who Was Coached By Peyton Manning

BALTIMORE—Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco told reporters Wednesday he was excited to work with new offensive coordinator Jim Caldwell, expressing enthusiasm about learning as much as possible from the man who was coached by former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. “It’ll be great to pick Caldwell’s brain and find out what he learned in Indianapolis while working under one of the best quarterbacks of all time,” Flacco said. “I’m sure Jim has some really cool stories about being mentored by a four-time MVP, but mostly I want to find out what it was like when he was coached to a Super Bowl by Manning.” At press time, Flacco was reportedly thrilled about hosting the Denver Broncos on Sunday, explaining to teammates and coaches that he couldn’t wait to see, in person, an accomplished quarterback who is admired by millions.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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