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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Joe Flacco Silences Supporters Once And For All With Terrible Fourth-Quarter Performance

BALTIMORE—Following an anemic late-game performance against the Eagles last weekend, Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco confidently told reporters Thursday that he has now conclusively silenced all of his supporters. “I heard plenty of fans and journalists going off about how great I was after our win against the Bengals, but I don’t hear anyone talking now,” said Flacco, adding that his 2-for-7, 21-yard outing on the last drive of the game with his team down by one point should “shut up all those loudmouths once and for all.” “Maybe now they’ll think twice before saying I’m an elite quarterback who can lead my team to a Super Bowl. I’m sick and tired of hearing that nonsense, and now I can finally just put it all behind me.” In response to Flacco’s comments, Ravens head coach John Harbaugh also came out in strong support of the fifth-year quarterback’s complete lack of ability.

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