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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Joe Montana To Lose One Super Bowl Ring For Every Dumb Product He Endorses

NEW YORK—After years of sitting idly by as Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana lent his name to Tombstone frozen pizza, McCormick spices and marinades, and now Skechers Shape-ups, a frustrated NFL announced yesterday that from now on Montana will forfeit one Super Bowl ring for every stupid product he endorses. "After watching the latest commercial, in which Joe Montana conducts a mock press conference and credits Skechers Shape-Ups with strengthening his back and legs and giving him the confidence to return to the NFL, we realized we had to take drastic action," said Commissioner Roger Goodell, who later pleaded, "Come on, Joe, it's a damn gimmick shoe for Christ's sake." "If we see Mr. Montana appearing in another Kraft Quarterback Cook-Off, that's one Super Bowl ring. A new ab machine, that's another Super Bowl ring. And, if he endorses more than four stupid products or releases another Skechers commercial, for his own good and the good of the game we'll start confiscating MVP awards." Goodell added that Joe Montana Sports Talk Football for the Sega Genesis will always hold a special place in the NFL's heart and will not be considered a stupid Montana endorsement.

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