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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Joe Montana To Lose One Super Bowl Ring For Every Dumb Product He Endorses

NEW YORK—After years of sitting idly by as Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana lent his name to Tombstone frozen pizza, McCormick spices and marinades, and now Skechers Shape-ups, a frustrated NFL announced yesterday that from now on Montana will forfeit one Super Bowl ring for every stupid product he endorses. "After watching the latest commercial, in which Joe Montana conducts a mock press conference and credits Skechers Shape-Ups with strengthening his back and legs and giving him the confidence to return to the NFL, we realized we had to take drastic action," said Commissioner Roger Goodell, who later pleaded, "Come on, Joe, it's a damn gimmick shoe for Christ's sake." "If we see Mr. Montana appearing in another Kraft Quarterback Cook-Off, that's one Super Bowl ring. A new ab machine, that's another Super Bowl ring. And, if he endorses more than four stupid products or releases another Skechers commercial, for his own good and the good of the game we'll start confiscating MVP awards." Goodell added that Joe Montana Sports Talk Football for the Sega Genesis will always hold a special place in the NFL's heart and will not be considered a stupid Montana endorsement.

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