Joe Namath Guarantees He'll Lose Battle With Alcoholism

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Vol 42 Issue 02

Bowl Week Highlights

The 2005-2006 NCAA football season culminated with a week of unusually memorable college bowl games. What are the most notable moments?

New York Jets Finish Season

RUTHERFORD, NJ—Despite the doubts of many football fans, media figures, and people within the Jets organization itself, the New York Jets have indeed finished their entire 2005-2006 season.

Pete Rose Caught Trying To Get Inducted Into Hall Of Fame Under Assumed Name

COOPERSTOWN, NY—The Baseball Writers Association of America announced that the "former Cincinnati Reds superstar" and "quiet, unassuming model citizen" by the name of "Pat Rosenburg," whose career statistics merited Hall of Fame consideration, was revealed by investigators to be a desperate, mustachioed, glasses-wearing Pete Rose.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Joe Namath Guarantees He'll Lose Battle With Alcoholism

NEW YORK—Swaggering Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Namath, famous for his flamboyant lifestyle and his historic promise of victory in Super Bowl III, guaranteed Monday that he would not be victorious in his current battle with alcoholism. "The bottle's gonna win this one—I guarantee it," said Namath to a crowd of cheering New York faithful in an impromptu statement at Manhattan's Jockey Club. "I swear this to my fans and the great city of New York—Joe Namath's going to continue the kind of tipsy, drunken lifestyle you guys have come to know and love." Namath went on to make other guarantees during the night, but none of them were intelligible as of press time.
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