The Department of Health and Human Services released their long-awaited report clarifying that nearly every death is directly linked to our Heavenly Lord needing our deceased love ones up in Heaven.
NEW YORKSwaggering Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Namath, famous for his flamboyant lifestyle and his historic promise of victory in Super Bowl III, guaranteed Monday that he would not be victorious in his current battle with alcoholism. "The bottle's gonna win this oneI guarantee it," said Namath to a crowd of cheering New York faithful in an impromptu statement at Manhattan's Jockey Club. "I swear this to my fans and the great city of New YorkJoe Namath's going to continue the kind of tipsy, drunken lifestyle you guys have come to know and love." Namath went on to make other guarantees during the night, but none of them were intelligible as of press time.