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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Joe Paterno's Name To Remain On Joe Paterno Center For Covering Up Sexual Abuse

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Despite mounting pressure following revelations that Joe Paterno helped bury allegations of child abuse against Jerry Sandusky, Penn State University announced Monday that it had voted not to remove the late football coach's name from the Joe Paterno Center for Covering Up Sexual Abuse. "For years, the Joe Paterno Center for Covering Up Sexual Abuse has been at the heart of our athletic program and a revered landmark on the Penn State campus," the university's board of trustees wrote in an official statement on the future of the center, which continues to be funded by the school as well as by donations from fans and alumni. "JoePa built this place from the ground up, and we’re not going to turn our backs on that. This facility is a monument to everything he did for our football team, our university, and our community." The statement also confirmed there were no plans to rename the Joe Paterno Hall of Willful Ignorance, the Joe Paterno Foundation for Raising Football Coaches to the Status of Gods, or the Joe Paterno Institute for the Study of Public Relations Damage Control.

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