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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Joe Paterno's Name To Remain On Joe Paterno Center For Covering Up Sexual Abuse

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Despite mounting pressure following revelations that Joe Paterno helped bury allegations of child abuse against Jerry Sandusky, Penn State University announced Monday that it had voted not to remove the late football coach's name from the Joe Paterno Center for Covering Up Sexual Abuse. "For years, the Joe Paterno Center for Covering Up Sexual Abuse has been at the heart of our athletic program and a revered landmark on the Penn State campus," the university's board of trustees wrote in an official statement on the future of the center, which continues to be funded by the school as well as by donations from fans and alumni. "JoePa built this place from the ground up, and we’re not going to turn our backs on that. This facility is a monument to everything he did for our football team, our university, and our community." The statement also confirmed there were no plans to rename the Joe Paterno Hall of Willful Ignorance, the Joe Paterno Foundation for Raising Football Coaches to the Status of Gods, or the Joe Paterno Institute for the Study of Public Relations Damage Control.

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Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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