adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Joe Paterno's Name To Remain On Joe Paterno Center For Covering Up Sexual Abuse

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Despite mounting pressure following revelations that Joe Paterno helped bury allegations of child abuse against Jerry Sandusky, Penn State University announced Monday that it had voted not to remove the late football coach's name from the Joe Paterno Center for Covering Up Sexual Abuse. "For years, the Joe Paterno Center for Covering Up Sexual Abuse has been at the heart of our athletic program and a revered landmark on the Penn State campus," the university's board of trustees wrote in an official statement on the future of the center, which continues to be funded by the school as well as by donations from fans and alumni. "JoePa built this place from the ground up, and we’re not going to turn our backs on that. This facility is a monument to everything he did for our football team, our university, and our community." The statement also confirmed there were no plans to rename the Joe Paterno Hall of Willful Ignorance, the Joe Paterno Foundation for Raising Football Coaches to the Status of Gods, or the Joe Paterno Institute for the Study of Public Relations Damage Control.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close