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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Joe Torre: 'Experimenting With Different Lineups Is An Addictive, Dangerous Game'

NEW YORK—Despite beginning the year with a fairly stable batting order, Yankees manager Joe Torre has descended into a troublesome pattern, mixing and matching all different kinds of lineups in a desperate attempt to find the perfect combination that can satisfy him for more than one game. "It starts innocently enough, when you're just looking for a quick fix after one of your guys goes down for a while," said Torre, who admits that the first thing he does upon arriving at the ballpark now is grab the lineup card, shut his office door, and start cooking up lineups with every name he can think of—right fielders his friends talked about in high school, first basemen he tried once back in 2004, and sometimes guys he's never even heard of before. "But then you're trying out guys who were never meant to be in the same lineup together, just for the sheer thrill of seeing if it works. And the worst part is, I don't see this stopping anytime soon." Owner George Steinbrenner refused to respond to criticism that he has openly supported Torre's habit by constantly buying the manager new, riskier, more expensive options.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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