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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Joe Torre Signs Classiest Contract In Managerial History

LOS ANGELES—With an easy smile and an elegant stroke of his Mont Blanc fountain pen, newly hired Los Angeles Dodgers manager and beacon of effortless masculinity Joe Torre radiated unmatched polish last week while signing what many baseball experts are calling "the classiest contract in managerial history," agreeing with poise and savoir-faire, to a three-year, $13 million deal. "There was a certain pride factor I associated with the Dodgers," said the confident, yet self-assured Torre, whose rare blend of finesse, dignity, and quiet élan left the assembled media both utterly at ease and in a state of complete and total admiration. "You say goodbye to one prestigious organization, and say hello to another prestigious organization." Upon viewing Torre's masterful display, baseball experts across the nation were forced to agree that "now that is class."

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