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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Joe Torre Signs Classiest Contract In Managerial History

LOS ANGELES—With an easy smile and an elegant stroke of his Mont Blanc fountain pen, newly hired Los Angeles Dodgers manager and beacon of effortless masculinity Joe Torre radiated unmatched polish last week while signing what many baseball experts are calling "the classiest contract in managerial history," agreeing with poise and savoir-faire, to a three-year, $13 million deal. "There was a certain pride factor I associated with the Dodgers," said the confident, yet self-assured Torre, whose rare blend of finesse, dignity, and quiet élan left the assembled media both utterly at ease and in a state of complete and total admiration. "You say goodbye to one prestigious organization, and say hello to another prestigious organization." Upon viewing Torre's masterful display, baseball experts across the nation were forced to agree that "now that is class."

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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