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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Joel Siegel Preemptively Raves About Blues Brothers 2000:

NEW YORK—Good Morning America film critic Joel Siegel, confident that he will be "knocked out by 90 minutes of wall-to-wall, non-stop laughs," preemptively raved Monday about Blues Brothers 2000, due in theaters Feb. 6.

The stars of the to-be-hilarious <I>Blues Brothers 2000</I>

"I'm going to love it!" said Siegel, who plans to see an advance screening of the film Saturday. "This movie will be loaded with side-splitting humor, pulse-pounding car chases, and toe-tapping, sing-along musical numbers. I'm going to want to see it over and over!"

According to Siegel, Blues Brothers 2000, which stars Dan Aykroyd and John Goodman, will be even funnier than the original. "Aykroyd and Goodman will be pure dynamite together," he said. "I never thought I'd say this, but Blues Brothers 2000 will outshine even the first Blues Brothers movie!"

Film critic Jeff Craig of Sixty Second Preview, who plans to see the film Sunday, agreed. "Joel is right: This movie is going to be hysterical!" he said.

Siegel said concerns that the new film would be a cheap "cash-in" sequel will be proven wrong by the anything-goes spirit that will imbue the entire film.

Siegel said he is also looking forward to the film's slew of cameo appearances, which include Paul Shaffer, James Brown and Aretha Franklin. "I'm not going to know who'll turn up next!" he said.

Siegel, who has ranked the film sixth in his 1998 year-end 10-best list, concluded his review by saying: "This film will have audiences rocking and rolling long past the year 2000. I for one will hope it's not the last we've seen of the Blues Brothers saga."

Siegel also offered critical raves to Wes Craven's Scream 3—which has yet to be written or cast—calling it "hair-raising, clever fun. See it as soon as it exists!"

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The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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