Joel Siegel Preemptively Raves About Blues Brothers 2000:

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Vol 33 Issue 03

Pepsi Super Bowl Ad Raises Worldwide Pepsi-Awareness .00000000001 Percent

SOMERS, NY—A 60-second, $2.6 million ad that aired during Sunday’s Super Bowl telecast has raised awareness of Pepsi .00000000001 percent, Pepsi officials said Monday. Specifically, the ad raised Pepsi-awareness in Xiao Bu—a 71-year-old Pyongyang, China, peasant and one of five known humans not familiar with Pepsi—who learned of the existence of the soft drink while watching the Super Bowl. “This $2.6 million was money well spent. With it, Pepsi has finally surpassed 99.9999999999 percent global saturation and cracked the hard-to-reach Xiao Bu market,” Pepsico’s Ken Doyle said. “We now look forward to introducing Pepsi to Mala N’dougou of Gabon and babies who were born in comas.” In response to the Pepsi ad, chief rival Coca-Cola announced Tuesday it will launch its own $11 million ad blitz targeting Xiao.

1994 Video-Store Receipt Reveals Clinton Rented Night Eyes 2, 3

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is strongly denying special prosecutor Kenneth Starr’s claim that he has a receipt proving that on July 11, 1994, Clinton rented Night Eyes 2 and Night Eyes 3, two mature-audiences-only erotic thrillers starring former Playboy Playmate Of The Year Shannon Tweed. According to Starr, the receipt, unearthed during a year-long Justice Department probe of D.C.-area video stores, “clearly proves that the president not only rented these two films, but, even more damning, did so on the same night. That is over three hours of steamy adult fare enjoyed in one single viewing by the president.” In the wake of the findings, Starr is ordering the store where the films were rented to hand over all receipt records dating back to 1992 to discern whether Clinton may have also rented Night Eyes, the first installment in the series, starring Tanya Roberts. Starr also ordered the Justice Department to hand over recently surfaced White House cable-tap recordings that are purported to contain over 40 hours of Spice Channel pay-per-view. Tweed has refused to comment on the crisis.

Oh, Area Man’s Aching Back

JERSEY CITY, NJ—According to a report issued Wednesday by 51-year-old Jersey City resident Phil Lardner, Jesus Christ Almighty, his back feels like a goddamn elephant stepped on it. Fuck, the report stated, Lardner should never have tried to move that dishwasher by himself. The report went on to note that Lardner may require medical attention if he can ever make it to the freaking phone, and that if he doesn’t collect some workman’s comp for this one, forget about it.

A New Year, A New Jean

This is soooo exciting—my first column of 1998! Actually, I'm kind of dreading 1998, because it's the year I finally turn the big 4-0! Can you believe it? (I sure can't!)

IOC Clears Pros To Wrestle In 2000 Olympics:

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—International Olympic Committee president Juan Antonio Samaranch announced Monday that, for the first time ever, professionals will be permitted to compete in wrestling in the 2000 Summer Games in Sydney, Australia.
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Joel Siegel Preemptively Raves About Blues Brothers 2000:

NEW YORK—Good Morning America film critic Joel Siegel, confident that he will be "knocked out by 90 minutes of wall-to-wall, non-stop laughs," preemptively raved Monday about Blues Brothers 2000, due in theaters Feb. 6.

The stars of the to-be-hilarious <I>Blues Brothers 2000</I>

"I'm going to love it!" said Siegel, who plans to see an advance screening of the film Saturday. "This movie will be loaded with side-splitting humor, pulse-pounding car chases, and toe-tapping, sing-along musical numbers. I'm going to want to see it over and over!"

According to Siegel, Blues Brothers 2000, which stars Dan Aykroyd and John Goodman, will be even funnier than the original. "Aykroyd and Goodman will be pure dynamite together," he said. "I never thought I'd say this, but Blues Brothers 2000 will outshine even the first Blues Brothers movie!"

Film critic Jeff Craig of Sixty Second Preview, who plans to see the film Sunday, agreed. "Joel is right: This movie is going to be hysterical!" he said.

Siegel said concerns that the new film would be a cheap "cash-in" sequel will be proven wrong by the anything-goes spirit that will imbue the entire film.

Siegel said he is also looking forward to the film's slew of cameo appearances, which include Paul Shaffer, James Brown and Aretha Franklin. "I'm not going to know who'll turn up next!" he said.

Siegel, who has ranked the film sixth in his 1998 year-end 10-best list, concluded his review by saying: "This film will have audiences rocking and rolling long past the year 2000. I for one will hope it's not the last we've seen of the Blues Brothers saga."

Siegel also offered critical raves to Wes Craven's Scream 3—which has yet to be written or cast—calling it "hair-raising, clever fun. See it as soon as it exists!"

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