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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

MINNEAPOLIS—Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever. "I've undergone dozens of surgeries and months of painstaking rehab to get my arm in good enough shape to pitch again, so that pitch is going to be absolutely incredible," said Zumaya, whose single-pitch contract is laden with incentives for velocity, accuracy, and the horrifying sound his elbow makes when it implodes from the torque. "Bones will splinter, arteries will be spouting in all directions, ligaments will twang through the air like snapped guitar strings, and when the shock and disgust finally subside, they'll look at the radar gun and see '235 mph.'" Zumaya then broke his wrist clicking a pen.

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