adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around. “He just started jogging, like, a block or two back, but he already looks really winded—this guy obviously just decided to get his life back on track within the past couple days,” said onlooker Paul Gerstein, surmising that the man had likely been inspired to choose a running distance far beyond his capabilities after recently taking stock of his limited career and relationship prospects, looking at himself in the mirror in disappointment, or watching a TED talk on how to become one’s best self. “Just look at how slow he’s going. This is almost certainly just a part of a whole self-improvement routine he’s putting together with push-ups and sit-ups and maybe some little dumbbell exercises, too.” Witnesses reported seeing a red-faced Andreychuk gasping for air with his hands on his knees several minutes later, clearly entertaining the very first doubts about his resolve that will soon derail his grand plan to remake himself.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close