Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

Top Headlines

Recent News

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around. “He just started jogging, like, a block or two back, but he already looks really winded—this guy obviously just decided to get his life back on track within the past couple days,” said onlooker Paul Gerstein, surmising that the man had likely been inspired to choose a running distance far beyond his capabilities after recently taking stock of his limited career and relationship prospects, looking at himself in the mirror in disappointment, or watching a TED talk on how to become one’s best self. “Just look at how slow he’s going. This is almost certainly just a part of a whole self-improvement routine he’s putting together with push-ups and sit-ups and maybe some little dumbbell exercises, too.” Witnesses reported seeing a red-faced Andreychuk gasping for air with his hands on his knees several minutes later, clearly entertaining the very first doubts about his resolve that will soon derail his grand plan to remake himself.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close