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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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John Boehner Calls For National Guard To Deal With Illegal Immigrants Hiding In Mexico

WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to aggressively act before their numbers became too large to control, House Speaker John Boehner called for the National Guard to be deployed to deal with the millions of illegal immigrants currently hiding in Mexico, sources said Monday. “There are more than 120 million illegal immigrants in Mexico, all of whom continue to evade authorities and flout the laws of the United States every day—it’s time to get tough,” said Boehner, conceding that even robust National Guard intervention may be insufficient to deter the growth of undocumented workers living south of the border. “We need the strongest measures possible if we’re to have any hope of keeping illegal immigrants in Mexico City or Juarez from simply gobbling up American jobs.” Boehner went on to say that his remarks applied only to illegal immigrants and not to Mexicans who chose to live in Mexico lawfully.

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