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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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John Boehner Calls For National Guard To Deal With Illegal Immigrants Hiding In Mexico

WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to aggressively act before their numbers became too large to control, House Speaker John Boehner called for the National Guard to be deployed to deal with the millions of illegal immigrants currently hiding in Mexico, sources said Monday. “There are more than 120 million illegal immigrants in Mexico, all of whom continue to evade authorities and flout the laws of the United States every day—it’s time to get tough,” said Boehner, conceding that even robust National Guard intervention may be insufficient to deter the growth of undocumented workers living south of the border. “We need the strongest measures possible if we’re to have any hope of keeping illegal immigrants in Mexico City or Juarez from simply gobbling up American jobs.” Boehner went on to say that his remarks applied only to illegal immigrants and not to Mexicans who chose to live in Mexico lawfully.

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