adBlockCheck

Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
End Of Section
  • More News

John Boehner To Paul Ryan: ‘I Was Once Young And Beautiful Too’

WASHINGTON—Pulling the congressman aside Wednesday and sitting him down in his office, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) reportedly told his likely successor, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), that he had once been young and beautiful too. “There was a time when I had that youthful glow and that glimmer in my eye, just like you; but time passes, and alas, it takes its toll,” said Boehner as he gently brushed the back of his hand along Ryan’s cheek and recalled how he had, years earlier, possessed unspoiled good looks, an innocent charm and energy, and a popularity among his party much the same as that of his heir apparent. “You might not believe it looking at this old, withered shell sitting before you now, but back so many years ago in 2011, I was no different than you—a bright young thing that every Republican congressman wanted to be seen around Washington with. But that doesn’t last forever, my child. Once that pretty face fades and the magic melts away, they have no use for you in this business—none at all.” At press time, a single tear was rolling down Boehner’s cheek after the Speaker turned away in disgust from the wizened, timeworn face he glimpsed in a wall-mounted mirror.


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close