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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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John Boehner’s Wife Calls For Her Shutdown King To Come Back To Bed

WASHINGTON—As her husband worked late into the night devising a strategy to negotiate the ongoing budget crisis that has ground Washington to a halt, the wife of House Speaker John Boehner called for her big, strong Shutdown King to come back to bed, sources confirmed early Monday morning. “It sounds like my Mr. Powerful Shutdown King is working awfully hard; maybe he needs something to help him take his mind off his kingly duties?” a negligee-wearing Deborah Boehner playfully called out from the couple’s bedroom, urging “His Majesty” to turn off his phone for five minutes and join her in their royal chamber. “My mighty deadlock leader has brought the federal government to its knees, but maybe now he can take his scepter and do the same to his Shutdown Queen? Your wish is my command, sire.” At press time, Boehner was mumbling “not now” under his breath.

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