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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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John Daly Injured After Vicious Hit During Arena Golf Tournament

SPOKANE, WA—Arena golfer John Daly was forced to withdraw from the Dick's Sporting Goods Classic at Spokane Arena Friday, displaying concussion-like symptoms following a punishing hit delivered by playing partner David Duval.

The hit occurred during the "fairway blitz" that opens each round of arena golf, in which competitors are released from the starting cage and must run across the entire stadium to retrieve their clubs from the lofted, 15-foot-high tee area. As Daly climbed to the top of the platform and reached for a driver, Duval reportedly wheeled and blindsided him with a five-iron he had acquired moments earlier, sending the 1991 PGA Championship winner sprawling down to the turf.

According to sources, Daly was also treated for several minor bruises and lacerations sustained when competitors drove balls at the golfer's stomach and legs as he lay dazed on the fairway. Due to a recent rule change, two-stroke bonuses are awarded for pelting competitors en route to the 7-foot-wide hole.

"I hope John recovers soon, because I know we'll miss him on the AGA Tour," said Duval, who won the tournament with a two-round score of 105 under par. "He's a real force: Great fundamentals, and boy, coming off the trampoline, his midair driving accuracy is unmatched."

Daly has taken the world of arena golf by storm this year, winning five events with his powerful swing, quick defensive reflexes, and, when traversing water hazards, impressive swimming speed. The 46-year-old made headlines in July, achieving golf's first-ever triple albatross by holing in just two strokes on the par-11 fifth at Cleveland's Quicken Loans Arena.

Daly is expected to miss two to four weeks with the injuries, which his caddy Peter Van Der Riet said are minor.

"Incidents like this sometimes happen in arena golf, and partly it's just the nature of the game," Genter said. "In the end, it's really about the fans. The big hits, the diving putts, the quicksand traps—that's what people come here to see. That's what gets the whole stadium on its feet and clapping politely."

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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