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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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John Edwards Pays $30 To Register Edwards2016.com Just In Case

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Disgraced former senator and democratic presidential candidate John Edwards told reporters Friday that while he has no plans to run for president in 2016, he has nonetheless registered Edwards2016.com because "you never know." "I'm definitely not going to run—it's completely out of the question—but it never hurts to keep your options open," said Edwards, whose political career effectively ended after it was revealed that he had fathered a child with a former campaign worker while his wife was dying of breast cancer. "It's only 30 bucks, so I figured, why not? Better safe than sorry." According to Edwards, if he does run, which he adamantly stated he was not going to do, he's already got a few campaign slogan ideas he brainstormed "just for the hell of it."

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