John Edwards Pays $30 To Register Edwards2016.com Just In Case

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Vol 47 Issue 19

Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title

DALLAS—Within hours of the Mavericks sweeping the Lakers Sunday to advance to the NBA Western Conference Finals, basketball fans across the United States began preparing themselves for the very real possibility of outspoken libertarian and tech bill...

Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson

Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs.

Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock

Following a high-profile cobra escape earlier this year, the world-famous Bronx Zoo had a peacock go missing this week.

Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Despite local contractor Danny Polazza's frequent claims that "he knows a few guys," friends confirmed Monday that the 42-year-old's ties to the Mafia are actually pretty shitty.
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John Edwards Pays $30 To Register Edwards2016.com Just In Case

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Disgraced former senator and democratic presidential candidate John Edwards told reporters Friday that while he has no plans to run for president in 2016, he has nonetheless registered Edwards2016.com because "you never know." "I'm definitely not going to run—it's completely out of the question—but it never hurts to keep your options open," said Edwards, whose political career effectively ended after it was revealed that he had fathered a child with a former campaign worker while his wife was dying of breast cancer. "It's only 30 bucks, so I figured, why not? Better safe than sorry." According to Edwards, if he does run, which he adamantly stated he was not going to do, he's already got a few campaign slogan ideas he brainstormed "just for the hell of it."

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