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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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John F. Kennedy Makes Rare Appearance At Kennedy Center Honors

WASHINGTON—Former president John F. Kennedy made a rare appearance at the 33rd annual Kennedy Center Honors, which celebrated the long-standing cultural contributions of Oprah Winfrey and Paul McCartney, as well as composer Jerry Herman, country music legend Merle Haggard, and Tony Award–winning choreographer Bill T. Jones. "It is a great privilege to receive this honor in front of such a distinguished group," said Jones, gesturing toward President Obama, Ms. Winfrey, and the nation's 35th president. "This is such a thrill." Kennedy, 93, was last seen in public in 1994 at the funeral of his wife, Jacqueline.

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