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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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John F. Kennedy Makes Rare Appearance At Kennedy Center Honors

WASHINGTON—Former president John F. Kennedy made a rare appearance at the 33rd annual Kennedy Center Honors, which celebrated the long-standing cultural contributions of Oprah Winfrey and Paul McCartney, as well as composer Jerry Herman, country music legend Merle Haggard, and Tony Award–winning choreographer Bill T. Jones. "It is a great privilege to receive this honor in front of such a distinguished group," said Jones, gesturing toward President Obama, Ms. Winfrey, and the nation's 35th president. "This is such a thrill." Kennedy, 93, was last seen in public in 1994 at the funeral of his wife, Jacqueline.

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