John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian

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Vol 40 Issue 30

Kennel Certificate Proves Who Puppy Daddy Is

VALLEY MILLS, TX—An AKC certificate of pedigree proves conclusively that Duke, a 2-year-old Rottweiler from nearby Rock Springs, is the puppy daddy of Skipper, a Rottweiler born July 20, Cloverleaf Kennel sources reported Monday. "Duke can bark excuses all day and night, but this pedigree proves that Skipper his," said attorney Seth Freidman, who represents Ginger, Skipper's mama. "Duke should be responsible for Skipper's upbringing. I'm sick of hearing that it's a male dog's nature to seek out multiple breeding partners." A spokesperson for Duke said his client was lured by Ginger's promiscuity, insisting that "everyone know the bitch have litters by three different dogs before Duke."

Teen Gives Up Smoking Pot After Seeing Parents High

DEDHAM, MA—Elyssa Schuster, 16, swore Monday that she will never again experiment with marijuana after coming home to "obviously baked" parents Harold and Judy Saturday night. "I used to think smoking pot made you look cool, but, boy, was I wrong," Schuster said. "Dad got all paranoid about the mortgage rate while Mom spent an hour giggling about how dusty the ceiling fan was. It was so sad and depressing." Schuster said she was thankful to be scared straight before she made a fool of herself again.

Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number of Mexicans

MEXICO CITY—American tourist Michael Anderson expressed amazement Monday at the vast number of Mexicans populating Mexico City. "I guess it's obvious that the city would have a lot of Mexicans, but I wasn't mentally prepared for it," Anderson said. "I mean, really—they were everywhere. Tons of them. On every street corner. They were just everywhere." Last year, Anderson experienced similar culture-shock at the number of Asians in San Francisco's Chinatown.

Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures

SAN FRANCISCO—Many web users were trapped without service Monday, when a large section of the Internet collapsed under the weight of the millions of baby pictures posted online. "Some personal web pages contain literally hundreds of adorable infant photos," MCI senior vice-president Vinton Cerffe said. "Add to that the number of precious pumpkins on photo-sharing sites like Ophoto.com, and anyone can see it was a recipe for disaster. The Internet simply was not designed to support so much parental pride." Cerffe said he expects regular web-traffic flow to resume once the nation's larger Internet providers are reinforced with stronger cuteness-bearing servers.

The 9/11 Panel Report

The 9/11 Commission's final report, released last week, cited many failures on the part of the U.S. government. What do you think?

Give Me Just One More Chance

If you knew how much pain I am in while I write this column, you would read it all the way to the end and be moved by the heartache in every word. Each sentence contains the pain of my soul, and in particular the part of the soul that yearns for you but has been pushed aside.

Rumsfeld Sick Of Jokes About His Fat Girlfriend

WASHINGTON, DC—During a coffee break at the Pentagon Monday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that he will no longer stand for jokes made at the expense of his 5'7", 197-pound girlfriend Mavis Delsman. "I can enjoy a good laugh just like anybody, but the next person to make a crack about my Mavis will be making jokes in the unemployment line," Rumsfeld said. "She's a very nice person and doesn't deserve to be talked about in that way." Rumsfeld added that he will take punitive action against the entire department if he even hears the phrase "junk in the trunk," whether it's in reference to Delsman or not.
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John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian

WASHINGTON, DC—John Glenn, the first American to orbit the earth and the oldest man ever in space, is being honored by the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum, which has installed the former U.S. senator as the centerpiece of its upcoming Milestones Of Flight exhibit.

Glenn hangs among other national treasures in the Smithsonian.

"John Glenn's life has been a living testament to the power of human vision," NASM director Gen. John R. "Jack" Dailey said at Sunday's dedication ceremony. "Generations of Americans will be inspired by his nobly dangling form, which so eloquently evokes both the wonder of physical flight through the air and that even greater flight—of the human spirit."

The Marine Corps band played the national anthem as Dailey unveiled a space-suited Glenn in his new place of honor, suspended 40 feet above the floor of the museum's breathtaking Gallery 100. He occupies a space near his Mercury "Friendship 7" orbiter capsule and between Charles Lindbergh's Spirit of St. Louis and the Bell Airacomet, the first American turbojet aircraft in regular production.

The NASM will display Glenn in his original 1962-vintage flight suit, which he wore for his historic orbital space flight, until December 2004. Beginning next year, Glenn will alternate monthly between his 1962 and 1998 spacesuits. On occasions of historic import, Glenn will be displayed in appropriate livery, such as his WWII flight suit, his Korean War full-dress uniform, or the navy-blue and gray suits he wore during his four terms in the Senate.

There are currently no plans to decorate Glenn for the holidays, during which time the museum is considering allowing him to visit family, as part of a special touring exhibit.

"There were a lot of challenges involved in readying John Glenn for display," NASM deputy director Donald Lopez said. "Ideally, we'd like to fully restore him to his original 1962 condition—inarguably his most memorable period—but that's beyond the state of the archival art. However, he is a 1921 model, and therefore close to the end of his current service cycle. When he inevitably fails in a few years, we'll have to take him down and overhaul him anyway. That's when we'll look into making him as period-correct as the other displays here, using both our own knowledge and that of animal preservation and display experts from the Museum of Natural History."

Even as the museum continues to think of ways to better moderate the temperature and increase airflow near the building's rafters, the astronaut's mood remains upbeat.

"I'm happy for the opportunity to serve my country once more, and I am honored and humbled to be considered an inspiration," Glenn said, struggling to make himself heard from his place near the ceiling of the gigantic exhibit hall. "Although the organizers were a little unclear as to how long I will have to remain suspended from this ceiling, I'm proud to be up here as long as they need me."

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