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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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John Harbaugh

Ravens Head Coach

Strength: Marginally less of an asshole than his asshole brother; Incredibly mobile on the sideline; Received better genetic balance between his father’s competitiveness and his mother’s ability not to whine and tantrum and throw fits

Weakness: Always calls his brother before big games to wish him good luck and tell him every detail of the Ravens’ weekly game plan; Never worked up the courage to tell Ray Lewis what to do; Has thing for shitty quarterbacks

Favorite Medium For Drawing Up New Plays: Watercolors

Style: Blue-collar lunkhead

Most Annoying Habit: Constantly asks referee how much time is left in the game

Shouting Style: Explosive

Strategy: Let 49ers win so Jim doesn’t act like a complete fucking baby for the rest of his life

NEXT: Ray Lewis

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