John Harbaugh

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Vol 49 Issue 05

Onion Sports' Live Coverage Of Super Bowl XLVII

Highlights Pregame Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl Pregame Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII Pregame Coverage Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl “I’m so pumped up! I can...

Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Race Relations

John Harbaugh

Ravens Head Coach

Strength: Marginally less of an asshole than his asshole brother; Incredibly mobile on the sideline; Received better genetic balance between his father’s competitiveness and his mother’s ability not to whine and tantrum and throw fits

Weakness: Always calls his brother before big games to wish him good luck and tell him every detail of the Ravens’ weekly game plan; Never worked up the courage to tell Ray Lewis what to do; Has thing for shitty quarterbacks

Favorite Medium For Drawing Up New Plays: Watercolors

Style: Blue-collar lunkhead

Most Annoying Habit: Constantly asks referee how much time is left in the game

Shouting Style: Explosive

Strategy: Let 49ers win so Jim doesn’t act like a complete fucking baby for the rest of his life

NEXT: Ray Lewis

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