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John Harbaugh

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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John Harbaugh

Ravens Head Coach

Strength: Marginally less of an asshole than his asshole brother; Incredibly mobile on the sideline; Received better genetic balance between his father’s competitiveness and his mother’s ability not to whine and tantrum and throw fits

Weakness: Always calls his brother before big games to wish him good luck and tell him every detail of the Ravens’ weekly game plan; Never worked up the courage to tell Ray Lewis what to do; Has thing for shitty quarterbacks

Favorite Medium For Drawing Up New Plays: Watercolors

Style: Blue-collar lunkhead

Most Annoying Habit: Constantly asks referee how much time is left in the game

Shouting Style: Explosive

Strategy: Let 49ers win so Jim doesn’t act like a complete fucking baby for the rest of his life

NEXT: Ray Lewis

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