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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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John Kelly Roots Out Remaining Priebus Sympathizers Hiding In Tunnels Throughout White House

WASHINGTON—Systematically eliminating any resistance to his new position as the president’s chief of staff, John Kelly moved through the White House on Friday rooting out any remaining Reince Priebus sympathizers hiding in tunnels throughout the residence. “I’ve gotta stamp them all out, every last one,” said Kelly, a retired Marine Corps general, dropping a grenade down a shaft in which he’d heard rustling from several White House aides loyal to his predecessor. “There was a real nasty pocket of ’em near the Briefing Room that still refused to recognize any press secretary except Sean Spicer. I had to smoke them out with tear gas and gut ’em one by one. These bastards sure don’t go down easy. Some of them keep trying to implement Priebus’ agenda right up until the moment they finish bleeding out.” At press time, Kelly had emptied a can of gasoline into a crawl space hiding several Anthony Scaramucci loyalists before setting it ablaze with the butt of his cigar.

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