adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

John Kerry Actually Pretty Good At Windsurfing Now

BOSTON—Four years after being blasted as an elitist for his Ivy League education, wealthy background, and hobby of windsurfing, sources say that John Kerry has in fact become quite proficient at the water-based leisure sport.

"After losing the election in such a humiliating and disgraceful manner, John really threw himself into windsurfing, and I'm happy to say it paid off," said Kerry's longtime adviser and windsurfing coach, Steve Sylvester. "Everyone claimed he was too wishy-washy and didn't have a thick skin, so he said he'd show them all, and he did. His T-bones and slamjibes speak for themselves."

Sylvester, like many of Kerry's friends, said the defeat at the polls may have actually been a blessing in disguise, since it allowed the junior senator from Massachusetts to spend more time on his true passion. As evidence of the incredible progress Kerry has made in the last four years, Sylvester pointed out that the former presidential candidate is now able to perform a number of freestyle moves and some light carving without hurting himself. Kerry also reportedly knows all about tacks now, and can stay on the board a full minute longer than he could during the last presidential campaign.

In addition, his water starts have matured significantly.

Besides upgrading his windsurfing board class from Freeride to Formula Windsurfing, aides said Kerry has made strides in other areas to escape his image as an out-of-touch patrician. According to a press release from his office, Kerry can now name the stadium where the Green Bay Packers play with ease, as well as meet large groups of factory workers without wincing, and remember that his favorite Bob Dylan song is "Lay Lady Lay" without first checking with a handler.

It is not known whether Kerry intends to use his new skills in a future presidential run. When reporters reached him for comment, he was being swept into the Atlantic Ocean by a 35 mph gust of wind.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close