adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

John Kerry Actually Pretty Good At Windsurfing Now

BOSTON—Four years after being blasted as an elitist for his Ivy League education, wealthy background, and hobby of windsurfing, sources say that John Kerry has in fact become quite proficient at the water-based leisure sport.

"After losing the election in such a humiliating and disgraceful manner, John really threw himself into windsurfing, and I'm happy to say it paid off," said Kerry's longtime adviser and windsurfing coach, Steve Sylvester. "Everyone claimed he was too wishy-washy and didn't have a thick skin, so he said he'd show them all, and he did. His T-bones and slamjibes speak for themselves."

Sylvester, like many of Kerry's friends, said the defeat at the polls may have actually been a blessing in disguise, since it allowed the junior senator from Massachusetts to spend more time on his true passion. As evidence of the incredible progress Kerry has made in the last four years, Sylvester pointed out that the former presidential candidate is now able to perform a number of freestyle moves and some light carving without hurting himself. Kerry also reportedly knows all about tacks now, and can stay on the board a full minute longer than he could during the last presidential campaign.

In addition, his water starts have matured significantly.

Besides upgrading his windsurfing board class from Freeride to Formula Windsurfing, aides said Kerry has made strides in other areas to escape his image as an out-of-touch patrician. According to a press release from his office, Kerry can now name the stadium where the Green Bay Packers play with ease, as well as meet large groups of factory workers without wincing, and remember that his favorite Bob Dylan song is "Lay Lady Lay" without first checking with a handler.

It is not known whether Kerry intends to use his new skills in a future presidential run. When reporters reached him for comment, he was being swept into the Atlantic Ocean by a 35 mph gust of wind.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close