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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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John Kerry Costs U.S. Defense Industry $400 Billion

WASHINGTON—Responding to initial reports that Syria may relinquish its stockpile of chemical weapons following Secretary of State John Kerry’s assertion that doing so would decrease the likelihood of American military strikes, representatives for the domestic defense industry complained to reporters Tuesday that the top-ranking diplomat may have cost them $400 billion in revenue. “We were ready to produce and sell tomahawk missiles, advanced combat systems, and more unmanned predator drones, but instead our Secretary of State had to run his big fat mouth about options for averting war, and now we’re out hundreds of billions of dollars,” said a visibly upset Lockheed Martin CEO Marillyn A. Hewson, who along with her fellow executives at Northrop Grumman, Raytheon, and General Dynamics complained that because the initial invasion would have more than likely led to a protracted, wide-ranging international conflict, Kerry might have even cost them trillions. “With thousands of new munitions and logistical support contracts, Syria would have been a goldmine for us. I swear to God, if this doesn’t work out John Kerry owes us half a trillion dollars.” Hewson added that it was some consolation that, with Kerry as the country’s chief foreign affairs liaison, he would “probably say something idiotic” in the near future that would lead to another lucrative international conflict.

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