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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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John Kerry Costs U.S. Defense Industry $400 Billion

WASHINGTON—Responding to initial reports that Syria may relinquish its stockpile of chemical weapons following Secretary of State John Kerry’s assertion that doing so would decrease the likelihood of American military strikes, representatives for the domestic defense industry complained to reporters Tuesday that the top-ranking diplomat may have cost them $400 billion in revenue. “We were ready to produce and sell tomahawk missiles, advanced combat systems, and more unmanned predator drones, but instead our Secretary of State had to run his big fat mouth about options for averting war, and now we’re out hundreds of billions of dollars,” said a visibly upset Lockheed Martin CEO Marillyn A. Hewson, who along with her fellow executives at Northrop Grumman, Raytheon, and General Dynamics complained that because the initial invasion would have more than likely led to a protracted, wide-ranging international conflict, Kerry might have even cost them trillions. “With thousands of new munitions and logistical support contracts, Syria would have been a goldmine for us. I swear to God, if this doesn’t work out John Kerry owes us half a trillion dollars.” Hewson added that it was some consolation that, with Kerry as the country’s chief foreign affairs liaison, he would “probably say something idiotic” in the near future that would lead to another lucrative international conflict.

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