SOUTHERN MONGOLIA—After failing to arrive at his destination in the Middle East this week for diplomatic talks with state leaders, sources confirmed that U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry had inadvertently traveled to Central Asia and is currently lost somewhere in the Gobi Desert. “Hello! Hello, is there anybody out there who can hear me?” the exhausted five-term senator reportedly said while stumbling across the vast desert expanse. “My name is John Forbes Kerry! I am the United States Secretary of State, and I am lost! Oh, God, almost out of water. Gotta make it back somehow...gotta make it back.” At press time, Kerry was reportedly relieved to have spotted a lush oasis off in the distance and was happily envisioning eating a juicy fig.