adBlockCheck

International

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

John Kerry Poses As Masseuse To Get Few Minutes With Putin

MOSCOW—Having waited until the Russian leader was lying facedown on the massage table before quietly slipping into the room behind him, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry is said to have posed as a masseuse at a high-end Moscow spa Monday in order to spend a few minutes alone with Vladimir Putin. “You seem very tense, Mr. Putin—how have things been going lately?” the United States cabinet member reportedly said while kneading Putin’s shoulders as gentle panpipe music played around them. “You sure have a lot of knots in your back. Have you been hunching over lately while drawing up plans for an imminent large-scale invasion of Ukraine, or maybe tensing up at the thought of crippling Western economic sanctions? You’d probably feel a lot more relaxed if you just invalidated yesterday’s referendum results in Crimea and acknowledged publicly that such a vote was illegal under the Ukrainian constitution.” Sources confirmed that Putin turned around with suspicion following Kerry’s suggestion that the Russian president could ease his muscle stiffness by withdrawing troops from Ukraine, at which point the secretary of state hastily poured water onto some nearby heated sauna stones to create a veil of steam, claimed to need more massage oil, and dashed out of the room.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close