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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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John Madden Agrees To Work As Consultant For Raiders Concession Stand

OAKLAND, CA—As Raiders owner Mark Davis reaches out for advisers in the wake of his father Al Davis' death, the team's front office confirmed Tuesday that former coach John Madden has agreed to come back to Oakland and serve as a consultant for stadium concessions. "The Raiders have a lot of good pieces already in place—cheeseburgers, hot dogs, popcorn, ice cream—but I want to help them think of new opportunities," said Madden, holding a binder labeled "playbook" and smeared with nacho-cheese residue. "I mean, you've got all that butter and relish lying around and they're not even using their imagination. They've got two locations for burritos, which I love, but neither of them are sticking Italian sausages inside there. You take that sausage-stuffed burrito, wrap it in bacon, and deep-fry it—now you're talking about real stadium concessions." While expressing appreciation to Madden, who has lent his services free of charge, Raiders management admitted the former NFL analyst has cost the organization nearly $1,200 per day in food and food-prep labor.

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