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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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John Madden Agrees To Work As Consultant For Raiders Concession Stand

OAKLAND, CA—As Raiders owner Mark Davis reaches out for advisers in the wake of his father Al Davis' death, the team's front office confirmed Tuesday that former coach John Madden has agreed to come back to Oakland and serve as a consultant for stadium concessions. "The Raiders have a lot of good pieces already in place—cheeseburgers, hot dogs, popcorn, ice cream—but I want to help them think of new opportunities," said Madden, holding a binder labeled "playbook" and smeared with nacho-cheese residue. "I mean, you've got all that butter and relish lying around and they're not even using their imagination. They've got two locations for burritos, which I love, but neither of them are sticking Italian sausages inside there. You take that sausage-stuffed burrito, wrap it in bacon, and deep-fry it—now you're talking about real stadium concessions." While expressing appreciation to Madden, who has lent his services free of charge, Raiders management admitted the former NFL analyst has cost the organization nearly $1,200 per day in food and food-prep labor.

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