adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

John Madden Arrested For Possession Of Turhumanheaducken

GREEN BAY, WI—Football commentator John Madden, famous for his unique vocal stylings and his holiday presentations of unusual meats to winning teams, was taken into custody by Green Bay police after serving Minnesota Vikings players a large "turhumanheaducken" with all the trimmings following their 20-17 victory over the Packers Monday night. "Mr. Madden served the suspect item to the players immediately after the game and, although he referred to it by its full name, Vikings players were apparently too excited or hungry to realize that what they were eagerly devouring was, in fact, a roast turkey stuffed with a rotisserie chicken, a baked duck, and a deep-fried human head," Green Bay Police Chief Craig Van Schndyle told reporters. "Place-kicker Paul Edinger, safety Darren Sharper, and quarterback Brad Johnson are among those being held for medical observation while we analyze the marbled gray matter in the 'oyster' stuffing, the makeup of what we originally thought was cranberry sauce, and the head itself." Police are currently questioning Madden concerning how he obtained the head, whether or not he had help cooking the turhumanheaducken, and the current whereabouts of Monday Night Football statistician "Malibu" Kelly Hayes, who was last seen grocery shopping with Madden Saturday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close