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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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John Madden Blasts Cris Collinsworth's Hoagie Knowledge

PLEASANTON, CA—Retired color commentator John Madden, 73, attacked announcer Cris Collinsworth's broadcasting abilities Monday, accusing his replacement on Sunday Night Football of lacking "even the most basic hoagie knowledge" and failing to provide in-depth meat, cheese, and bread analysis.

Madden, whose dedication and passion for submarine sandwiches is widely acknowledged, was reportedly dismayed while watching the Pro Football Hall of Fame game between the Tennessee Titans and Buffalo Bills earlier this month, during which Collinsworth did not at any point break down the ratio of ham to salami in common hoagie sandwiches.

"I'm deeply disappointed that Cris hasn't been able to demonstrate that he understands the inner workings of a good hoagie," said Madden. "For instance, this one play, I'm watching Tennessee running back Chris Johnson trying to go behind the right guard and he gets stuffed for no gain. Not once does Collinsworth use the Telestrator to draw up the correct placement of provolone so it melts perfectly over the cold cuts when toasted. It's unacceptable."

"[Collinsworth] just goes on and on about the hole getting plugged up by the defensive line," Madden added. "Why the heck isn't he talking about how the lineup of prosciutto, hard salami, pepperoni, Italian ham, and roast beef should completely dominate the middle of any delicious hoagie?"

According to Madden, Collinsworth's inexperience was especially evident after the commentator missed dozens of opportunities to explain the proper grip needed to handle a large grinder. Madden was also "appalled" that Collinsworth never analyzed the pros and cons of a mustard/mayo dressing combination, versus a more complex oil and vinegar mixture.

"Having played in the NFL for eight seasons, Cris should definitely know that if you don't hold on to the hoagie with both hands you're going to fumble it during the big game," Madden said. "Sometimes it just seems like he's not familiar at all with the fundamentals of sandwich-eating."

"He's always saying how tough the 49ers defense was in Super Bowl XVI," added Madden. "Sure, they were punishing at times. But nothing like sourdough bread at Candlestick Park. That stuff will tear the roof of your mouth apart."

Madden also accused Collinsworth of demeaning the long and storied history of hoagies by neglecting to rank his all-time favorite toppings following turnovers, and repeatedly omitting meatball-based talking points during touchdown drives. A visibly emotional Madden then recounted the humble origins of the now-popular sandwich.

"In 1914, the hoagie was still a rather obscure and a not-so-giant sandwich," said Madden, adding that the unique way of slicing the Italian bread was as much a part of the lore as the massive stacks of cold cuts and cheese. "The poor Hog Island dockworkers in Philly, nicknamed the 'Hoggies,' found that their favorite tasty fillings would fall out of the sandwiches as they ate them. But by only slicing the bread most of the way through, thereby leaving a hinge, they were able to keep all the good parts, and cram it with three times as much meat and cheese."

"And America's greatest hero was born," added Madden.

Becoming contemplative, Madden said he was wary of the Sunday Night Football season opener at Lambeau Field on Sept. 13, claiming that Collinsworth clearly was not prepared for the NFL's most sacred and hallowed tailgating shrine.

"Can he even name one guy running a grill out there?" Madden said. "Because I can name all 429 of them right now, starting with Gary with the Ford Bronco in parking section D8."

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