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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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John Madden Finally Just Eats RV

PLEASANTON, CA—Overwhelmed by pangs of hunger, retired color commentator John Madden, 76, reportedly succumbed to years of intense cravings Thursday and finally just ate his entire 45-foot-long luxury bus.

Sources confirmed that Madden had begun complaining about wanting “an extra little smidgen of something to eat” shortly after consuming every last morsel of food, numerous Tupperware containers, a shelf, and two crisper drawers in his home’s double-wide refrigerator. The Hall of Fame head coach then spotted the RV parked in his driveway and shuffled outside, where witnesses said he quickly devoured the 54,000-pound motor home in approximately 20 minutes.

“My stomach was rumbling hard, and I was thinking how I could really go for a large coach bus,” said Madden, who used the rear axle of the vehicle to dislodge a satellite dish caught in his teeth. “The engine was still warm and all crunchy and gooey. Plus, the radial tires were delicious when dipped in a little coolant. That RV was a lip-smacking, scrumptious ride.”

“You can really sink your teeth into the tasty layers of fiberglass and stainless steel, which just melt in your mouth,” Madden added. “I’m so glad I saved the cherrywood paneling for dessert.”

The former Oakland Raiders head coach confirmed he had often contemplated eating the customized bus while on long road trips across the country. But he said he was nonetheless surprised by the rich and diverse flavors discovered in each pleasing mouthful of the massive vehicle’s leather seats, granite floors, six-speed automatic transmission, and mobile office.

Madden, who polished off the outer shell of the RV and the anti-lock braking system in several minutes, told reporters he was particularly fond of a tall stack of three plasma televisions rolled up in a queen-sized mattress and covered in pieces of bed frame, LED accent lights, and a drizzle of motor oil.

“When you have a big, custom motor home like this, you want to get some good stuff in every bite,” Madden said. “I liked it best when I got a little bit of windshield, bumper, carpeting, countertop, dashboard, and radiator all at once. Now that has a zesty kick.”

While the Super Bowl–winning coach said feasting on the nearly 12-foot-tall tour bus “hit the spot,” Madden’s wife, Virginia, reportedly scolded him for “shoveling in the entire dining area” and “scarfing down the small kitchen in two gulps.”

“I’m surprised he even tasted anything the way he wolfed down that RV,” Virginia Madden said. “He barely even chewed the sauna. I just know he’s going to have heartburn from eating that much bus before bed.”

In the middle of the night, Madden reportedly woke up, drove across town, and snacked on half of a barbecue joint.

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