adBlockCheck

Sports

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
End Of Section
  • More News

John Madden Finally Just Eats RV

PLEASANTON, CA—Overwhelmed by pangs of hunger, retired color commentator John Madden, 76, reportedly succumbed to years of intense cravings Thursday and finally just ate his entire 45-foot-long luxury bus.

Sources confirmed that Madden had begun complaining about wanting “an extra little smidgen of something to eat” shortly after consuming every last morsel of food, numerous Tupperware containers, a shelf, and two crisper drawers in his home’s double-wide refrigerator. The Hall of Fame head coach then spotted the RV parked in his driveway and shuffled outside, where witnesses said he quickly devoured the 54,000-pound motor home in approximately 20 minutes.

“My stomach was rumbling hard, and I was thinking how I could really go for a large coach bus,” said Madden, who used the rear axle of the vehicle to dislodge a satellite dish caught in his teeth. “The engine was still warm and all crunchy and gooey. Plus, the radial tires were delicious when dipped in a little coolant. That RV was a lip-smacking, scrumptious ride.”

“You can really sink your teeth into the tasty layers of fiberglass and stainless steel, which just melt in your mouth,” Madden added. “I’m so glad I saved the cherrywood paneling for dessert.”

The former Oakland Raiders head coach confirmed he had often contemplated eating the customized bus while on long road trips across the country. But he said he was nonetheless surprised by the rich and diverse flavors discovered in each pleasing mouthful of the massive vehicle’s leather seats, granite floors, six-speed automatic transmission, and mobile office.

Madden, who polished off the outer shell of the RV and the anti-lock braking system in several minutes, told reporters he was particularly fond of a tall stack of three plasma televisions rolled up in a queen-sized mattress and covered in pieces of bed frame, LED accent lights, and a drizzle of motor oil.

“When you have a big, custom motor home like this, you want to get some good stuff in every bite,” Madden said. “I liked it best when I got a little bit of windshield, bumper, carpeting, countertop, dashboard, and radiator all at once. Now that has a zesty kick.”

While the Super Bowl–winning coach said feasting on the nearly 12-foot-tall tour bus “hit the spot,” Madden’s wife, Virginia, reportedly scolded him for “shoveling in the entire dining area” and “scarfing down the small kitchen in two gulps.”

“I’m surprised he even tasted anything the way he wolfed down that RV,” Virginia Madden said. “He barely even chewed the sauna. I just know he’s going to have heartburn from eating that much bus before bed.”

In the middle of the night, Madden reportedly woke up, drove across town, and snacked on half of a barbecue joint.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close