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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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John Madden Finally Just Eats RV

PLEASANTON, CA—Overwhelmed by pangs of hunger, retired color commentator John Madden, 76, reportedly succumbed to years of intense cravings Thursday and finally just ate his entire 45-foot-long luxury bus.

Sources confirmed that Madden had begun complaining about wanting “an extra little smidgen of something to eat” shortly after consuming every last morsel of food, numerous Tupperware containers, a shelf, and two crisper drawers in his home’s double-wide refrigerator. The Hall of Fame head coach then spotted the RV parked in his driveway and shuffled outside, where witnesses said he quickly devoured the 54,000-pound motor home in approximately 20 minutes.

“My stomach was rumbling hard, and I was thinking how I could really go for a large coach bus,” said Madden, who used the rear axle of the vehicle to dislodge a satellite dish caught in his teeth. “The engine was still warm and all crunchy and gooey. Plus, the radial tires were delicious when dipped in a little coolant. That RV was a lip-smacking, scrumptious ride.”

“You can really sink your teeth into the tasty layers of fiberglass and stainless steel, which just melt in your mouth,” Madden added. “I’m so glad I saved the cherrywood paneling for dessert.”

The former Oakland Raiders head coach confirmed he had often contemplated eating the customized bus while on long road trips across the country. But he said he was nonetheless surprised by the rich and diverse flavors discovered in each pleasing mouthful of the massive vehicle’s leather seats, granite floors, six-speed automatic transmission, and mobile office.

Madden, who polished off the outer shell of the RV and the anti-lock braking system in several minutes, told reporters he was particularly fond of a tall stack of three plasma televisions rolled up in a queen-sized mattress and covered in pieces of bed frame, LED accent lights, and a drizzle of motor oil.

“When you have a big, custom motor home like this, you want to get some good stuff in every bite,” Madden said. “I liked it best when I got a little bit of windshield, bumper, carpeting, countertop, dashboard, and radiator all at once. Now that has a zesty kick.”

While the Super Bowl–winning coach said feasting on the nearly 12-foot-tall tour bus “hit the spot,” Madden’s wife, Virginia, reportedly scolded him for “shoveling in the entire dining area” and “scarfing down the small kitchen in two gulps.”

“I’m surprised he even tasted anything the way he wolfed down that RV,” Virginia Madden said. “He barely even chewed the sauna. I just know he’s going to have heartburn from eating that much bus before bed.”

In the middle of the night, Madden reportedly woke up, drove across town, and snacked on half of a barbecue joint.

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