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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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John Madden Reminds Viewers Of Importance Of Quarterback To NFL Teams

DENVER—Color commentator John Madden spent the third quarter of the San Diego Chargers-Denver Broncos game explaining exactly how important it is for an NFL team to have a quarterback. "You're definitely gonna need one of these guys on your team if you want to have any success in the NFL," Madden said, explaining how having somebody standing directly behind the center when the ball is snapped provides a feeling of stability and consistency. "If Denver, for example, didn't have a quarterback, they could maybe hand the ball off to the running back, but there's absolutely no way the Broncos could pass the ball to the receivers. Frankly, I don't know how the Raiders do it." Madden later went on to talk about how different football would be if there were no end zone and the field "just went on and on forever."

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