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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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John Madden Reminds Viewers Of Importance Of Quarterback To NFL Teams

DENVER—Color commentator John Madden spent the third quarter of the San Diego Chargers-Denver Broncos game explaining exactly how important it is for an NFL team to have a quarterback. "You're definitely gonna need one of these guys on your team if you want to have any success in the NFL," Madden said, explaining how having somebody standing directly behind the center when the ball is snapped provides a feeling of stability and consistency. "If Denver, for example, didn't have a quarterback, they could maybe hand the ball off to the running back, but there's absolutely no way the Broncos could pass the ball to the receivers. Frankly, I don't know how the Raiders do it." Madden later went on to talk about how different football would be if there were no end zone and the field "just went on and on forever."

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