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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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John McCain Not Going To Ask Cindy McCain Twice

WASHINGTON—While traveling on his campaign bus yesterday, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) took a moment to forcefully reiterate his official position of not asking wife Cindy McCain a second time. After referring to his history as a "straight-talker" and a man who has been "to hell and back" as a POW in Vietnam, McCain explained that his simple request was both clear and reasonable and ought to be easy enough to carry out. As silent reporters looked on, McCain then stressed that he has been consistent on this issue every single day of their long, 28-year marriage, smiled, and placed his hand firmly on his wife's left knee, looking her directly in the eyes the whole time. At press time, the campaign bus was turning around to head back to the goddamn McDonald's drive-thru.

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