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John McCain Not Going To Ask Cindy McCain Twice

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Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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John McCain Not Going To Ask Cindy McCain Twice

WASHINGTON—While traveling on his campaign bus yesterday, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) took a moment to forcefully reiterate his official position of not asking wife Cindy McCain a second time. After referring to his history as a "straight-talker" and a man who has been "to hell and back" as a POW in Vietnam, McCain explained that his simple request was both clear and reasonable and ought to be easy enough to carry out. As silent reporters looked on, McCain then stressed that he has been consistent on this issue every single day of their long, 28-year marriage, smiled, and placed his hand firmly on his wife's left knee, looking her directly in the eyes the whole time. At press time, the campaign bus was turning around to head back to the goddamn McDonald's drive-thru.

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