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Supreme Court

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.
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John Roberts Delivers Finishing Blow To Stephen Breyer To Defend Title Of Chief Justice

WASHINGTON—Finishing off the judicial pragmatist with his signature Flying Hammer Of Precedent, John Roberts reportedly dove from atop the Supreme Court bench Tuesday and delivered a final knockout blow to Stephen Breyer to retain the title of Chief Justice. “It’s all over! John Roberts is the undisputed head of the judicial branch!” said Supreme Court law clerk Jonathan Urick, adding that Roberts had maneuvered the dazed Breyer into position after hitting him with a flurry of dissenting chops, an Atomic Gavel Drop, and the punishing Procedural Powerslam. “What a battle! They were neck and neck right until the very end. Both men were bloodied and stumbling around the courtroom. But in the end, Breyer was worn down by the Habeas Corpus Choke.” Sources confirmed the brawl was the most entertaining Supreme Court matchup since Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg popped out from behind a marble column and smashed Scalia with a steel folding chair.

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