Best of December 2015

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Authorities Say Country Still An Active Shooter Situation

Citizens Advised To Remain Alert, Stay Indoors

WASHINGTON—Cautioning citizens to be on high alert and remain indoors until the area was determined to be safe, authorities confirmed Thursday that the United States is still an active shooter situation.

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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John Roberts Delivers Finishing Blow To Stephen Breyer To Defend Title Of Chief Justice

WASHINGTON—Finishing off the judicial pragmatist with his signature Flying Hammer Of Precedent, John Roberts reportedly dove from atop the Supreme Court bench Tuesday and delivered a final knockout blow to Stephen Breyer to retain the title of Chief Justice. “It’s all over! John Roberts is the undisputed head of the judicial branch!” said Supreme Court law clerk Jonathan Urick, adding that Roberts had maneuvered the dazed Breyer into position after hitting him with a flurry of dissenting chops, an Atomic Gavel Drop, and the punishing Procedural Powerslam. “What a battle! They were neck and neck right until the very end. Both men were bloodied and stumbling around the courtroom. But in the end, Breyer was worn down by the Habeas Corpus Choke.” Sources confirmed the brawl was the most entertaining Supreme Court matchup since Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg popped out from behind a marble column and smashed Scalia with a steel folding chair.

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