adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

John Starks Leads Knicks To Victory In Promotional 1994 Roster Night

NEW YORK—Along with Fan Appreciation Night and Continental Monthly Planner Giveaway Night, the Knicks' attempt to increase fan attendance with its promotional 1994 Roster Night has proved successful, with 43-year-old backup shooting guard John Starks leading the team to a 108-106 victory over the Miami Heat. "1994 Night is a great way for fans to experience the game as if it were happening 15 years ago, and John [Starks] really came through in the clutch with those last two three-pointers," said Howard Jacobs, the Knicks' senior vice president of sports marketing. "The crowd really enjoyed seeing [Patrick] Ewing make one of his signature fadeaways, and though [Charles] Oakley and [Anthony] Mason weren't as dominant on the boards as they once were, they came through with some big free throws. The fans seemed to be happier than usual tonight." 1951 Roster Night was markedly less successful, as the Knicks forfeited the game when only four members of the team were healthy enough to travel to Madison Square Garden.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close