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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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John Starks Leads Knicks To Victory In Promotional 1994 Roster Night

NEW YORK—Along with Fan Appreciation Night and Continental Monthly Planner Giveaway Night, the Knicks' attempt to increase fan attendance with its promotional 1994 Roster Night has proved successful, with 43-year-old backup shooting guard John Starks leading the team to a 108-106 victory over the Miami Heat. "1994 Night is a great way for fans to experience the game as if it were happening 15 years ago, and John [Starks] really came through in the clutch with those last two three-pointers," said Howard Jacobs, the Knicks' senior vice president of sports marketing. "The crowd really enjoyed seeing [Patrick] Ewing make one of his signature fadeaways, and though [Charles] Oakley and [Anthony] Mason weren't as dominant on the boards as they once were, they came through with some big free throws. The fans seemed to be happier than usual tonight." 1951 Roster Night was markedly less successful, as the Knicks forfeited the game when only four members of the team were healthy enough to travel to Madison Square Garden.

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