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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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John Stockton Assists Hall Of Fame Officials In Setting Up Induction Ceremony

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Saying he just wanted to do whatever he could to make it a great event, all-time NBA assists leader John Stockton arrived several hours early to the NBA Hall of Fame induction ceremony Friday in order to help set up the PA system, construct the stage, and hang banners and posters throughout the room. "Just have to finish filling out all these name cards, and then I can get back behind the lighting booth," said Stockton, who folded a record 62 table linens Friday night and accrued 3,265 career steals. "Boy, this mic sounds a little hot. We should talk to Jerry about switching it out. Coffee's ready!" According to sources, Stockton, who wore a full tuxedo throughout the ceremony, left immediately afterward to "pitch in" at a fundraising event at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.

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