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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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John Tortorella Pacing Around Penn Station Screaming At Total Strangers To Clear Puck Into Neutral Zone

NEW YORK—According to confused onlookers inside Penn Station, recently fired New York Rangers head coach John Tortorella is currently wandering around the major rail terminal yelling at complete strangers to clear the puck into the neutral zone. “C’mon! Cover the goddamn high slot and clear the zone!” said a disheveled and slightly off-balance Tortorella, who was reportedly screaming at an elderly couple about to board an Amtrak train to Boston. “Wake up and get the forecheck going right now! I don’t want to hear any excuses—just get out there and either crash the net or move the puck out to point and put some fucking shots on net!” At press time, eyewitnesses confirmed that Tortorella was shouting at travelers in the Grand Concourse to gather around him to talk about the team’s “pathetic penalty kill.”

UPDATE: Reports just confirmed that Tortorella is shouting at a New Jersey Transit employee for missing a blatant cross-checking penalty on the boards.

UPDATE: According to sources, Tortorella is now incoherently shrieking about “getting the third line off the ice” while frantically pacing around the Penn Station food court.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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