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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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John Tortorella Pacing Around Penn Station Screaming At Total Strangers To Clear Puck Into Neutral Zone

NEW YORK—According to confused onlookers inside Penn Station, recently fired New York Rangers head coach John Tortorella is currently wandering around the major rail terminal yelling at complete strangers to clear the puck into the neutral zone. “C’mon! Cover the goddamn high slot and clear the zone!” said a disheveled and slightly off-balance Tortorella, who was reportedly screaming at an elderly couple about to board an Amtrak train to Boston. “Wake up and get the forecheck going right now! I don’t want to hear any excuses—just get out there and either crash the net or move the puck out to point and put some fucking shots on net!” At press time, eyewitnesses confirmed that Tortorella was shouting at travelers in the Grand Concourse to gather around him to talk about the team’s “pathetic penalty kill.”

UPDATE: Reports just confirmed that Tortorella is shouting at a New Jersey Transit employee for missing a blatant cross-checking penalty on the boards.

UPDATE: According to sources, Tortorella is now incoherently shrieking about “getting the third line off the ice” while frantically pacing around the Penn Station food court.

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