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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Johnny Damon Probably Thinking About Starting A Band

NEW YORK—According to sources close to the eccentric Yankee centerfielder, Johnny Damon is in all likelihood considering getting together with a few of his teammates and forming a band. "He's probably already making flyers to hang in the clubhouse in search of someone who can play drums or 'a mean bass,' and he's almost certainly thinking about approaching [classically trained guitarist] Bernie Williams to ask if he'd like to jam sometime," said former Red Sox teammate Jason Varitek, who recalled Damon's attempt last summer to organize a team-wide Texas Hold 'Em tournament. "If I know Johnny, he's currently brainstorming band names, which he's likely narrowed down to The Yankee Clippers, Hit & Run, O.P.S., and Johnny D. And The Pinstripers." The suspicion voiced by Varitek and countless others regarding Damon's interest in starting a band was basically confirmed Monday, when Damon suggested that the Yankees trade for Reds pitcher and recording artist Bronson Arroyo.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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