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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Johnny Damon Probably Thinking About Starting A Band

NEW YORK—According to sources close to the eccentric Yankee centerfielder, Johnny Damon is in all likelihood considering getting together with a few of his teammates and forming a band. "He's probably already making flyers to hang in the clubhouse in search of someone who can play drums or 'a mean bass,' and he's almost certainly thinking about approaching [classically trained guitarist] Bernie Williams to ask if he'd like to jam sometime," said former Red Sox teammate Jason Varitek, who recalled Damon's attempt last summer to organize a team-wide Texas Hold 'Em tournament. "If I know Johnny, he's currently brainstorming band names, which he's likely narrowed down to The Yankee Clippers, Hit & Run, O.P.S., and Johnny D. And The Pinstripers." The suspicion voiced by Varitek and countless others regarding Damon's interest in starting a band was basically confirmed Monday, when Damon suggested that the Yankees trade for Reds pitcher and recording artist Bronson Arroyo.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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