adBlockCheck

Entertainment

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
End Of Section
  • More News

Johnny Depp Now Physically Unable To Walk Unless Whimsically Teeter-Tottering Across Rolling Log, Wobbly Plank, Or Swaying Beam

LOS ANGELES—Sources close to the Lone Ranger and Pirates Of The Caribbean star confirmed Monday that unless Johnny Depp is playfully keeping his balance while wobbling along the length of a ship’s mast or comically teeter-tottering across a rolling log floating in water, he is now physically unable to walk without falling over. “The other day we were walking in the city, and he must have lost his balance and fell down 60 times, but as soon as various sections of the ground broke apart underneath him and started swaying back and forth, well, he flailed around a lot and made some wide-eyed, funny facial expressions, but he didn’t fall down once and made it across unharmed,” said a close friend, adding that because of the injuries Depp has sustained while trying to walk on stable ground, the actor now prefers the tops of moving trains to sidewalks. “And if he ever runs, he has to first be chased by an angry mob of some kind and, secondly, be inside a giant wooden wheel that he’s moving forward with his own momentum. Otherwise he will fall flat on his face.” Sources who work at Depp’s Los Angeles residence told reporters that the actor almost broke his neck attempting to exit his home last Monday and now only mischievously swings on chandeliers to get from his bedroom to the front door.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings