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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Johnny Manziel Forced To Wear Cleveland Browns Jersey In Cruel Rookie Hazing Incident

CLEVELAND—In what many claim is further evidence pointing to the NFL’s growing problem with its locker-room culture, sources confirmed Monday that former Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel was forced to wear a Cleveland Browns jersey as part of a particularly cruel form of rookie hazing. “The recent incident, in which a rookie was subjected to an extreme form of public humiliation, is unacceptable and goes against the values we stand for as an organization,” read an official team statement, responding to allegations that the first-year quarterback was made to wear the utterly demeaning outfit for several consecutive hours in full view of teammates, media members, and spectators. “We fully intend to impress upon all of our players that this type of ‘rite of passage’ can lead to significant emotional and psychological damage, and it has absolutely no place in football. We have reached out to Johnny and his family, and we hope that he will be able to move on from this and that his teammates may begin to slowly regain his trust.” Sources say the Browns are also investigating whether bullying may have been at play after discovering that 2014 first-round pick Justin Gilbert was recently forced to purchase a home in Cleveland.

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