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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Johnny Manziel Forced To Wear Cleveland Browns Jersey In Cruel Rookie Hazing Incident

CLEVELAND—In what many claim is further evidence pointing to the NFL’s growing problem with its locker-room culture, sources confirmed Monday that former Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel was forced to wear a Cleveland Browns jersey as part of a particularly cruel form of rookie hazing. “The recent incident, in which a rookie was subjected to an extreme form of public humiliation, is unacceptable and goes against the values we stand for as an organization,” read an official team statement, responding to allegations that the first-year quarterback was made to wear the utterly demeaning outfit for several consecutive hours in full view of teammates, media members, and spectators. “We fully intend to impress upon all of our players that this type of ‘rite of passage’ can lead to significant emotional and psychological damage, and it has absolutely no place in football. We have reached out to Johnny and his family, and we hope that he will be able to move on from this and that his teammates may begin to slowly regain his trust.” Sources say the Browns are also investigating whether bullying may have been at play after discovering that 2014 first-round pick Justin Gilbert was recently forced to purchase a home in Cleveland.

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