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Sports

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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Johnny Manziel Forced To Wear Cleveland Browns Jersey In Cruel Rookie Hazing Incident

CLEVELAND—In what many claim is further evidence pointing to the NFL’s growing problem with its locker-room culture, sources confirmed Monday that former Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel was forced to wear a Cleveland Browns jersey as part of a particularly cruel form of rookie hazing. “The recent incident, in which a rookie was subjected to an extreme form of public humiliation, is unacceptable and goes against the values we stand for as an organization,” read an official team statement, responding to allegations that the first-year quarterback was made to wear the utterly demeaning outfit for several consecutive hours in full view of teammates, media members, and spectators. “We fully intend to impress upon all of our players that this type of ‘rite of passage’ can lead to significant emotional and psychological damage, and it has absolutely no place in football. We have reached out to Johnny and his family, and we hope that he will be able to move on from this and that his teammates may begin to slowly regain his trust.” Sources say the Browns are also investigating whether bullying may have been at play after discovering that 2014 first-round pick Justin Gilbert was recently forced to purchase a home in Cleveland.

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