Johnson & Johnson Introduces Self-Lotioning Baby

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Johnson & Johnson Introduces Self-Lotioning Baby

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Responding to increased demands for easily moisturized infants, the Johnson & Johnson pharmaceutical com≠pany unveiled its latest product Monday, a self-lotioning baby. "Parents no longer have to worry about manually lubricating their newborn infants," said spokesman Dale Rosteroz, adding that to receive a self-lotioning baby, couples need only mail in their sperm, an egg, and specify if they want their baby to secrete lavender or unscented lotion. "Nine months later, we'll send them a baby who can produce up to 40 fluid ounces of dermatologist-tested and dye-free lotion every month." Rosteroz added that if parents act now they will receive 10 percent off a Johnson & Johnson bronchial atomizer to remove the lotion that will inevitably build up in the baby's lungs.

Next Story