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A Primer On The Dark Web

With many crimes now originating on encrypted areas of the internet, many wonder about the so-called dark web and its activities. The Onion provides a primer on this obscured digital space:

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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Johnson & Johnson Introduces Self-Lotioning Baby

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Responding to increased demands for easily moisturized infants, the Johnson & Johnson pharmaceutical com≠pany unveiled its latest product Monday, a self-lotioning baby. "Parents no longer have to worry about manually lubricating their newborn infants," said spokesman Dale Rosteroz, adding that to receive a self-lotioning baby, couples need only mail in their sperm, an egg, and specify if they want their baby to secrete lavender or unscented lotion. "Nine months later, we'll send them a baby who can produce up to 40 fluid ounces of dermatologist-tested and dye-free lotion every month." Rosteroz added that if parents act now they will receive 10 percent off a Johnson & Johnson bronchial atomizer to remove the lotion that will inevitably build up in the baby's lungs.

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