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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Joint Chiefs Chairman Pretty Sure He Could Pull Off Junta If He Really Wanted To

WASHINGTON—While stressing that he has no plans to mount such an insurrection, Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Martin Dempsey told reporters Friday that if he really wanted to, he could probably carry out a sweeping military junta that would oust President Obama from power. “I’m just saying, there are seven joint chiefs, we all have extensive military training, and we spend a lot of time behind closed doors with the president,” said Gen. Dempsey, adding that the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that, if he had a mind to do such a thing, installing a military dictatorship “wouldn’t be all that difficult.” “There really are no insurmountable barriers to eliminating him, declaring martial law, and having tanks on the White House lawn by the end of the day. I can’t say that I’m interested in making myself the ruler of a 300-million-person police state, but it certainly would be easier to do than a lot of people think.” Dempsey went on to state that the nation’s various police forces and local militia movements would also “pose no significant threat.”

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