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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jon Gruden Impressed By Every Blade Of Grass On Football Field

GREEN BAY, WI—Hailing their contribution to the game as “extraordinary” and “totally underrated,” ESPN Monday Night Football commentator Jon Gruden was reportedly full of praise for every single blade of grass at Lambeau Field during tonight’s matchup between the Falcons and Packers. “Now, that’s a blade of grass right there—it’s not the biggest on the field, but it stands tall when it matters, and it’s got all the things you look for in a solid, reliable blade of grass,” Gruden said of a 1.8-inch grass stem situated near the 15-yard line, raving that each of the roughly 61 million Kentucky bluegrass reeds collectively make up “the best tandem of grass in the National Football League, no question.” “I love what I’m seeing out there—tough, no-nonsense, old-school blades of grass. People might say they just came up out of nowhere, but listen, it’s no surprise to anyone who saw how good those seedlings were looking back in September. And I’ll tell you something else, they’ve only gotten stronger since then. If I were the Packers, I would be very, very happy with where those sprouts are at right now.” Gruden went on to say that the hash mark at Lambeau Field’s 46-yard line possesses the same amazing qualities as the Los Angeles Coliseum goal line of the late 1980s.

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